This little light of mine...

I warn anyone who reads this - I'm annoyed right now. And I'm using this as my outlet. This may offend those whose views differ from mine, and I want to say right now - it is not my intention to offend. But this is my blog - and therefore, be forewarned.

Today I read an article in the Nat'l Post about a football player who openly practices what he preaches, and isn't ashamed of the fact that he's Christian. I am truly saddened by it for different reasons.

First - as I said in previous comments on said article - I don't agree with Christianity, religion or ANYTHING being shoved down anyone's throat. My common practice is - you ask, I tell. It's that simple. I try to be an accepting, tolerant person for the simple fact I do believe in the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  I am a believer. I do believe that in order for you to grace the pearly gates, you do have to believe. I believe in the word of God - meaning, that I believe in what He promises me; and I believe that Jesus died for my sins.

I'm not up for the debate as to what kind of God would let bad things happen to people, especially children, for the simple reason - I don't know why those things happen. I don't understand it personally, and quite frankly, the horrid and sickening things that happen to children break my heart, as I can't imagine the pain and suffering caused by such monstrous, inhumane circumstances. I don't know why natural disasters, such as Katrina and the like happen. I simply do not know. But, with all that said, I still believe.  What difference does it make to anyone that I believe in God? Does not believing make any of this easier to handle? To accept? To understand? I can't imagine that it is easy no matter what side of the fence you are on.

I will say this much tho, there is a song called "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". It talks about how He is our friend, how we can go to Him in prayer and lay it all out on the line - turn to Him for comfort and understanding. Like a friend or even a parent, He isn't necessarily going to shelter us; He's not going to make life easy for us. That's just not how life is - nor is it meant to be. Life is about learning, acceptance, and appreciating what we do have. It's about being good to each other - it's about trying to look out for one another. Life is about being responsible and taking responsibility - and not passing blame.  Honestly, would any of us learn anything, if it was all taken care of for us? Would we really benefit from that? No, we wouldn't. And as parents, and as friends that's what we teach/share with others.

I do agree tho, that Tim could have maybe handled it with a little more tact. BUT, again - if he was touting any other religion/belief/lifestyle, without a question - others would say that the responses his "beliefs" have brought on - were infringing on his rights and freedoms. I read a comment about how the fact that he (as well as other athletes) will take time to kneel in prayer on the field - apparently, it leaves his motives unclear and in question. And this brings me to the second reason - why is it - that I can't say I believe without backlash?? Why is it, that I can't be open, and be grateful to God in public?? Why is it OK for everyone else to be open about what they practice or believe in - but because I'm a Christian, I can't and I'm expected to keep it behind closed doors? Why is it that I'm told that I'm a hypocrite and that I'm offensive when I say I'm a Christian just because there are those that take things too far i.e. the right wings. Is that not discrimination? Bigotry?


It just makes me sad. Plain and simple. Again - I do apologize if I have offended anyone. I don't expect others to apologize for what they believe/practice, and I simply refuse to apologize for saying that I do believe.  

I appreciate all of my friends no matter how close, for respecting me and not bashing me for what I believe. I hope that you all feel the same about me - I respect all of my friends, no matter how we differ. And should anyone have read this, I appreciate that you took the time to do so.

K, I'm done... XO

I've been feeling so low lately.  I think mostly because of circumstances that surround me.  Some days it's easier to focus on all the wonderful things in my life - however there are a lot of days when I can't see the sun for all the clouds.

My biggest 'issue' right now, is ME.  I'm not what I was pre-injury.  I don't think the same, and I certainly don't feel the same.  I hate being limited - can't even describe how much. BUT I have been pushing myself, and working hard at returning to where I was pre-injury weight wise (I've gained about 30lbs over this last year) and ability wise. I think it's the same for most of us - we don't like change. Especially when initially, it isn't for the better.

I saw a quote today that really puts 'me' into perspective - "No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it". It honestly brought tears to my eyes - cause really - that's what a lot of people have been telling me. My pain doc keeps telling me that I'm in a marathon when it comes to my pain control. He keeps telling me I have to be patient. Let's face it, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I've been trying to accept that this crap with my back is most likely a lesson I HAVE to learn regarding patience. Before all this happened - I made it a point to NOT ask God for patience, due to that saying "Be careful what you ask God for... You just might get it".  I didn't want God to 'try' my patience in order to teach me/give me patience as I knew I wouldn't do so well in that 'course'.  Looks like He still got me anyways... Ha ha... Guess the joke is on me! ; )

But, really - it isn't a joke. It's a life lesson.  One that we all need to learn, and I'm no exception. When I look back at where I was a year ago - I have come so far.  I move better, have better ROM; I have an amazing PT who has been along side me most of this journey who encourages me, and a pain doc who gets it.  I still hurt every single day - but I need to figure out a way to work around that pain, and not let it get the best of me.  I need to some how tell it to F@CK OFF and learn how to live with it, and not let it get me.  It's a daily struggle. I wont lie - it's bloody hard. But, I'm a determined, ornery bitch and I'm going to get through this. I'm going to get where I want to be, where I NEED to be. I'm going to chose my path and not let it be decided for me.

As Nasim Hassan so adequately put it, "Don't chase happiness or wait for it to come to you. Create it. Bring more happiness to yourself and others by appreciating life and finding pleasure and joy in all things -- in your daily tasks, in nature, in animals, in people, in your work and everything you have."

So, from here forward I have many tasks ahead of me - I need to feel better emotionally, physically, and it's going to take A LOT of work.  I need to lose the weight I've gained, and I need to make me happy.  I'm the only one that can do this - and I'm the only one worth doing this for (aside from my son, of course).  And I'm somehow going to remind myself every single bloody day that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

My pledge to ME, today, is that I'm going to work hard at this. But I'm making it a somewhat public pledge (my limited public) cause I hate to fail where others may be watching (even though this is about me, and for me) - it's about being accountable, and honest. I'm going to weigh myself today (Oh dear God...) I'm going to take a picture of myself (Seriously???) and I'm going to do this at my current slow pace, on my own and with the help of my amazing PT, Alex - as I don't wanna hurt more than I do, and am determined to go forward, not backwards... I'm going to keep track of my progress and I'm going to be honest about it too. I might be able to fool y'all, but I can't fool me. I need to be accountable and I need to do this - cause I'm going to work on making me happy!!  

 

 I wanna be like this elephant - happy and with obvious pleasure on my face.  Just not as rotund!!

In the works... Pt 4

OK.  So, as most women will say "I'm tired of being fat."  And I really mean it.  I've gained weight this last year, cause of my injury.  I'm still "broken" but I'm dammed and determined to figure out how to lose weight, even tho I can't work it off like I used to (i.e. P90X). 

I had success with it when I did it. By God it was HARD... but it worked.  I lost about 30 lbs and was getting toned and in shape. My cardio was improved, and I was working on round two of P90X when I got injured.

So, for someone who isn't able to "move" much or at least like I could - how do I work off this weight?? Gonna take work, that's for sure.  But I need to figure it out.  Any suggestions??

In the works...Pt 3

So tired of how things have been.  I've let things get away from me and out of control.  But lately - for the first time in a year - I'm able to see ahead again.  That for me, is wonderful.

I've always been the person that looks ahead.  I know what I want.  I just need to figure out how to get it - and actually do it.  Usually takes a lot of work and sweat - and a whole lotta effort - but I do it.  Or rather did it. 

Almost a year ago (will be a year on Friday) I hurt my back at work.  I'm a I was a visiting nurse, and I hurt myself at a client's house.  I've come to the reality that I can't go back to what I was doing, unless work will accommodate my limitations.  I'm sure that they will to a degree, but I wont be happy with that, and honestly, wont be fair to my co-workers.  At least that's my opinion. 

With effort (a ton of effort and patience and a lot of help from Bola), and A LOT of rehab - I've been able to do a little bit of gardening again.  And up until that small slice of Heaven - I'd been wanting to just run and hide.  Actually thought about selling my house, and just taking off to Oro. (It's still a thought, tho... Always wanted to live there - get back to the "country" so-to-speak.  But that's not happnin' currently and I'm good with that. For now.)  Having some gardening done, and making a little improvement on my teeny house - has allowed me some freedom, and a lifting of the fog.  It's helped me to appreciate what I have, and what I've worked hard for up until now.

I'm looking to the future - not just personally but professionally.  It's exciting for me, as I've been incapable of that for almost a year.  But Goddamn it - it sure as Hell is scary!! My future isn't clear at this point - and my "forecast" is cloudy, not at all clear like it used to be.  But it's a start, right??

Here's to the future... Here's to some new beginnings... And monetary donations are welcome to support my new impending hobby, drinking... As I'm sure I'm gonna take that up to deal with the stress of said new beginnings.  People like me, don't do well with change...sometimes...kinda sorta.  Have I mentioned I'm OCD.  And likely, mentally ill?? 

In the works...Pt 2

It's true that in life we're always learning.  My list of things to learn never gets shorter, but only gets longer.  Honestly, that isn't a bad thing.  I like to learn.  Normally, I pick up on things quickly, and with time I grow confident in my new ability/skill.  But when it comes to being a parent - OMG - I never EVER feel confident in anything that I do.  Ok, well maybe that's not entirely true.  I know I'm a good mom.  I know that I have a wonderful child. I also know that it does have a lot to do with how I take care of him, and the things I've taught him.  But knowing that, doesn't erase the second guessing that I'm always doing in relation to him.  "Was I too harsh tonight?", "Should I cut him some slack?", " Is he going to grow into a person I'm going to continue being proud of?", "Am I gonna screw him up beyond belief????", "Is he going to feel about me the way I feel about my mother and my father??". 

Those questions are always up there in my head, and each time we have an argument it seems to be at the worst time - before he goes to his dad's for the weekend, before he goes to school, things like that.  It's a constant fight to keep my sanity, and to stay ahead of him - keep my control of the situation.

I need to learn how to just breathe.  To pick my battles - I'm OCD (yes, I'm medicated) and for me to just 'breath, relax and pick my battles' is a battle in and of itself. Kinda funny when you think of it, no??

My kid is so amazing.  I know all parents say this - and maybe it's true... My kid is intelligent, creative, witty, and a little too charming for my liking.  He's got this mojo thing happnin' with the ladies and honestly, it worries the Hell out of me.  He's got a harem of sorts at school, and I find it incredible that these girls flock to him and hover.  I wish I could see what they see sometimes - I see one side of him.  But when he's around his friends, he's this whole other kid that I don't know.  And it makes me wonder about this charm and affect he has on people.  I'm kinda proud, but in awe too.  Where did this come from exactly?? His dad is a charmer too.  I wont lie.  Before my marriage went to Hell with his father, there were good things - and I did love him.  I can tell you this much - he didn't get any charm from me.  I'm not that charming.  I just ride on my good looks to get me by (did you keep a straight face reading that??? cause I certainly struggled to even type that).  He did get my weird sense of humour, my love of drawing and reading. He still doesn't totally get my music - but I'm working on him.  It's a chore, lemme tell you. The kid doesn't like Metallica, doesn't 'get' Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd - BUT, he likes Queen.  He does enjoy Jazz, and the retro 80's music (that he refers to as the old stuff I listened to a long time ago when I was a kid...sooo many years ago *sigh*).  **Side note: Apparently 33 is really old.  When did it become OLD??

Clearly, with the kind of kid he is I'm doing something good, something right.  My ex's father even told me tonight that I'm doing a good job, and that I have a right to be proud of the kid G is.  And proud I am.  No matter how wonderful he is - he drives me insane.  He's The World's Most Rottenest-Awesomest Kid, and I love him more than life itself.  I hope that someday I can just sit back and relax - be proud, and just breathe...knowing that I did good with this runt.  Knowing I did something good, something right. 

....who am I kidding?? I know me well enough to know that I'm never going to relax.  But I have enough faith in me to know that I'm gonna give it my all to do the best I can.  That's all anyone can expect.  I also need to have faith in him.  Faith that he's going to take that which I've taught him (either by my example, nagging or literally shoving it down his throat gall-dammit!!) and do the things he bloody well better do or else I'm gonna beat him down needs to do.  I gotta learn how to have faith... cause learning to relax sure as Hell ain't gonna happen! 

*Question - Am I the only freak (and yes, I know I'm a special kind of freak - OH so very special) that feels like this?? It's OK to lie to me and tell me that I'm not alone... Really, it is... I'm also in the process of learning to take criticism well.  Did I mention that I like to learn??

In the works...

I swear, one of these blogs, I'll have something positive and upbeat - maybe even something funny to share with all of you crickets... Instead this is another emotional thing that I can't get out of my head.  My hope is that in putting this on paper (so-to-speak) it will give me some release. 

OK.. so it goes like this.  I'm frantically trying to call my Gramma, and each time I call her, I either get sent to voicemail, or I just can't find her - can't reach her.  I'm so desperate to find her, cause I've been told that she has died, or that she's been dead for a while - and I want to prove that wrong. OR in the other dream, she is dead - and I'm losing my grip cause she's gone.

My Gramma lives about two hours away from me, and since my injury I haven't been able to get up to her as often as I'd like for financial reasons and cause it hurts - simply put.  Each time I see her, I make sure I tell her at least a dozen times, that I love her.  Each time that I call her, I tell her I love her and miss her.  I know realistically, that one day will be the last.  Normally, the thing to do is see her as much as I can - and seize the moment.  But due to my current situation I can't go up there as much as I want to - and I HATE that she isn't here in the same city as me.  She's currently on a wait list for a room here in Barrie in one of our nursing homes - but it ain't happening soon enough.

I know I sound like a super-over-emotional cry baby, who's focused on the negative.  I know that death is a natural part of life.  I'm an RN.  I've seen many people die right in front of me, I've been to more funerals than I can count.  I'm a realist.  I know it happens.  I've already lost a lot of people in my short life, than I care to admit. 

But to lose this woman - I can't even verbalize.  She is truly the only constant I have left in my life since it started.  The only source of security I have - my only parent left.  It's scary to be honest.  And when I reflect on the dreams - I can feel the grief, the pain, the hurt - the fear and the incredible loss that will be felt when she does leave this earth.  The only good thing that will come out of her passing, is that she wont be in pain anymore, she will be walking around again - up in Heaven with my Grampa, and all the loved ones that went before her.  She will be happy and at peace. 

My Gramma and Grampa (LONG) before they knew what they were in for...

I'm being silly, irrational and selfish.  But I love this woman more than anything else...short of my son. 

" Oh, Dear God - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Give me also the strength to not lose my mind and just chill day-to-day (when I can) or else I'm comin' up there to make things right!! "

Pain in the Ass #12 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

"If I could save time in a bottle...If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true. I'd save everyday like a treasure and then, again,  I'd spend them with you..."

I don't know what's wrong with me as of late (other than the obvious).  I've been very emotional and missing key people in my life.  Father's Day is quickly approaching and I find myself missing my Grampa a lot.  More than usual.  It's very apparent to me that certain people will always hold a special place in our lives, and he certainly is no exception.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him - some might call that obsessive - but quite frankly, I don't care what those people think in the first place.  He's just THAT important to me, and that will never change.

I've also found myself looking at my (ever) growing son.  I miss the little version of him.  I have so many regrets from when he was little.  His dad and I ended our marriage about 4.5 years ago and I've spent a lot of that time trying to make a life for Gabriel and I.  I feel gypped honestly.  I'm not entirely sure if that's a reasonable feeling/thought or if I'm just being over sensitive.  But to be honest, I do resent that I spent as much time as I did working, stressed and frustrated - and in doing so, I feel like he too, was robbed of something.  I'm sure most working parents feel this way, as do a lot of single parents.  It just seems that he grew up right in front of me, and I struggle to remember those chubby little hands and fingers, that little baby belly that stuck out - his cute little feet and that sweet little voice.  He's bigger now - arms and legs are longer, and less chubby.  The tummy that was round and soft, is now flat and muscle.  The voice is still 'sweet' but it too is changing, and will continue to change as he grows up - as will the rest of his body.  *sigh*

Gabriel, 2005

Maybe you're thinking that I'm putting too much thought into it, maybe I am.  But mostly, I'm assuming this is a normal way to feel.  My question is, what do I do about it??  Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for that time lost and other times, I just wonder if this may be God's way of smacking me upside the head to tell me that I need to appreciate the time now.  He is growing up so fast; becoming quite the guy.  It wont be long until he's starting high school and then after that it will be college.  I realize I can't shellac him - can't keep him little forever.  Lord knows I have a lot of pictures of him as he's grown up.  I just can't shake the feeling that I need to hold on before it all changes.

I guess for now, (until I learn how to turn back the hands of time or make days last forever) I'll learn to cherish what I do have with my wonderful guy, and take it one day at a time...I've learned that there just doesn't seem to be enough time to do what we want, and in regards to my son - there's never (going to be) enough time. Period. I don't want any more regrets.  I don't want to waste my time (or his) wishing for the ability to save time in a bottle...

Pain in the Ass #11 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

I've noticed that there is this epidemic spreading throughout Barrie (I'm sure it's everywhere, really).  It's devastating and quite frankly a tough one to beat.  It's called Rudeness.  The most common symptoms include, ignoring/staring through people as though they don't exist or not saying a simple ' thank you '. It also causes the inability to hold doors open and somehow makes people push ahead, by either butting in or actually physically shoving someone out of the way.

I'm baffled, honestly.  I was raised to use my manners and to respect my elders.  To this very day I still have great respect for my elders, unless of course they've proved unworthy of it - and even still, I wont go out of my way to be disrespectful.  I just avoid those people if I can, OR just keep my mouth shut.  Of course, that depends on the situation (for example, the old guy who parked in the "Expectant mother" parking spot when I was VERY pregnant with my son.  I unleashed some nasty pregnant woman power that day - and  needless to say, he moved his car... and I'd be surprised if he ever pulls a stunt like that again).

Mr. Rude (from the Mr. Men books).

I've made sure that my son uses his manners.  And I know for a fact, anyone who has met my son, is impressed with his manners, and his respect for his elders.  In fact, when my son was visiting my sister in Canton last year, he wanted to get my sister's attention for something, and he said quite politely "Excuse me, Aunt Heather...".  Her sister-in-law apparently thought that was the cutest and most incredible thing ever - as though she'd never seen an interaction like that before.  That made me so proud of my runt...so incredibly proud, cause that's how I'm raising him - to be a polite little boy, who respects people.

As I said, I'm baffled.  People are just so.incredibly.rude.  I can't get over it.  Today for instance, I had to go to the bank.  As I was hobbling out, I went to push the door open and this jerk grabs the handle, yanks it, and pushes past me.  Of course, me not having a filter from brain-to-mouth currently, I never hesitated to say 'Thank you... dumb ass'.  He just glared at me and proceeded on his way.  I'm one of those people who will let others in ahead of me, whether it be in a store, or while driving - and if someone lets me in, I make sure they know that I'm grateful for that gesture... even when in the car I wave and say 'thank you'.  Gabriel thinks that's hilarious - as he puts it "Mom, why do you do that?? You know they can't hear you, right???"  I always explain to him, and remind him of the "do unto other's" philosophy.  You can't expect anyone to be nice to you if you're not nice to them.  I also realize there are people out there that are just plain mean and nasty.  But, in general - I believe in that philosophy. 

However... have you ever noticed that some of the rudest people get all pissy when someone isn't nice to them? I've had the misfortune of working with the public pretty much all of my working life.  It's the meanest, nastiest people that demand the greatest effort as though they've somehow earned it, but wont hesitate to turn around and treat others like the crud you find on the bottom of a shoe. 

Is it really that hard to be nice? Does it really take that much effort to be polite and say "thank you" ?!?!  People are so self absorbed that they don't care what happens around them.  Granted, I have my bad days - we all do.  But my day isn't so bad, that if someone does something nice for me, that I can't muster a few words of gratitude.  Usually, when someone does something for me when I'm having a bad day - it brightens my day (likely out of shock).  I think we all need to make more of an effort to be nice to others, we also need to make a bigger effort to encourage that behaviour in our kids. There are some nasty kids out there that will mouth off at adults, who also have the attitude that they can do what ever in the Hell they want, and what are you going to do about it?? (some of which live on my street and honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to run a particular red-haired-little-shit over with my car if given the opportunity - don't think I've missed the irony of that statement.  I'm talking about treating others with respect, and setting an example for our kids with our own behaviour - but you really have to meet this kid.  Like, really... *take a deep breath, Ruth... there you go... it's ok...deep breath*).

Seriously, folks - you think elder abuse is bad now?? Wait till our kids are out there in a world that has turned away from manners and respect - think about it for a while, ponder it.  Then get your butts out there and teach your kids to treat others (with respect and consideration) as they want to be treated, and to use their manners.  Maybe the older folk will pick up on this and try it out - who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks, eh?

OH... one more thing... Please and thank you.  Can't be forgetting my manners now, can I? ;^)

Pain in the Ass #10 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

Hi.  My name is Ruth and I'm an obnoxious-inappropriate-mouthy-holic.  Well, maybe not entirely, but as I think I've mentioned before - the filter from my brain to my mouth has disappeared (and in case anyone finds it, please return it to me - there isn't a reward or anything - but I'd really appreciate it all the same.. as will the innocent bystanders).

An example from 'Rants from Mommyland'

I find that certain things make me laugh.  Most times (ok, I'll be honest, ALL times) I want to share these things with other people.  However, it's been pointed out to me that not everyone shares the same warped sense of humor.  Honestly, that makes me sad...kinda sorta.


What brought this on was a new word I discovered.  I've been following a couple of  blogs; Pregnant Chicken and Rants from Mommyland.  These ladies crack me up!! They say it like it is, with humour.  It's funny - some days I'll be reading it, and I swear they've tapped into my brain/mind (of what there is...).  So, this new word I learned.  "WHUCK".  How freakin' awesome is that?? It's the polite amalgamation of WTF.  I love learning. Don't you?  I wanted so badly to post it (among other funny tidbits) but hesitated as I was worried that certain "friends" would have an issue with it, and post nasty comments.

I have always been the way I am (I know, how shocking!!).  My sense of humour doesn't always follow that of others - and I almost always find pretty much everything funny (I get tears in my eyes every. single. time. I watch Dumb and Dumber - and the scene where Harry is in the bathroom after Lloyd fed him laxatives).  My friends don't always get my humour, but almost all of them agree, at least I'm easy to amuse and they don't feel so bad when they put me in a corner...I'll just keep me company.  That is something I've had to do a lot in the last 9 months.  I find it super annoying how some people seem to find the need to criticize me and how I cope with things. I've been told I'm too self-deprecating; not positive enough; too sarcastic, etc.  My question is... how is my making fun of me and my situation a bad thing?  I'm not on meds for the pain; I hurt all the time.  Would they rather I turn to alcohol to cope??  I rather enjoy the stupid things that make me laugh.. at least I'm laughing people!!  And please, stop with the negative comments in my direction.  Not needed. Granted, not everyone finds the same stuff funny as I do, and yes, I can be too sarcastic, and yes, sometimes my humour is dark - but if you don't like it - go away and leave me alone.  I'm content, which currently, is a good thing considering my situation.

Another source of amusement for me is my son.  He's going to be nine this August.  Shocks the crap outta me, I have to be honest.  I simply can't believe it!!  I still remember the day I had him.  It's not likely something I'll be quick to forget.  It's been so awesome watching this runt grow up.  He's got an amazing personality, he's funny, charming - and a downright dork! (Yeah.. he takes after his mom.)  These aren't even my own observations - these are comments from other people that have met him.  But seriously, he's a riot.  He does accents (rather well - esp. the southern accent).  We rough house, call each other names; we can goof around and make each other laugh ( NO, I'm not his friend.  I'll likely  not be his friend till he's much older.  I'm still his mom - that will never change. I just try to balance the strict mom with the I-can-beat-you-down-and-tickle-the-crap-outta-you mom, all the while giving him an atomic wedgie and a side of wet-willy).  I've been told by several of his teachers he's going to be the next Jim Carrey.  Honestly, if he makes that kind of money - I'm cool with that.  As much as he amuses me, he drives me utterly insane.  He is the proven cause of the white/silver hair that insists on growing atop me head.  My least favorite expression is "I don't know".  I swear, I wanna smack him upside the head every time it leaks out of his face. (Man, I sound violent...I call it passion).  I'm passionate about my kid. Period. 

Then factor in my critters.  They too, have personalities.  We currently have a mini dachshund (cat in a dog suit), named Roxie; a cat - Frankie (super affectionate, annoying, fur covered fart machine) and my turtle, Ozzy (he's being rude lately, wont come out to play).  Roxie has her spaz moments, where she tears through the house... all you see is a psycho wiener running with ears flying behind her and hear the light thuds as she's doing the circuit; Frankie has his spaz attacks too.  The fights are even better.  They both give as good as they get.  The best part is when the cat crawls into Roxie's bed - she grabs him by the neck, head or paw (whatever she has access to) and yanks him out. Who needs TV??  Seriously.

I've also been following a new-to-me blog, Single Dad Laughing.  It's a blog written by a cute guy in Utah who is, as his name describes - a single dad.  He's vulnerable just like the rest of us and he's a dad who simply loves his kid.  He goes through all the same stuff as single moms do - which in itself is reassuring; he often feels the same as I do, too.  It's really cool to read the words of this man who gets it.  Too often we hear of these dead beat dads who don't deserve to breathe - and then I come across this guy who is anything but.  In my short 33 years on this planet, I've come across only a handful of great guys who are awesome and passionate about their kid(s).  I've never kept it a secret that not all men suck and this guy is another one to add to the pile.  I'm grateful to have found yet another blog that gets it, and that I can relate to.  Even nicer that it's written by a guy.  I think it happens too often that men don't get enough credit.  So, here's to you SDL - my hat's off to you.  

To my son, critters and all the blogs I've been reading in order to keep my sanity, thank you for giving me something else to do, and yet another way to amuse/entertain myself the last 9 months while stuck at home.  AND to all the people who are stuck with me, thanks for letting me be me - even though I annoy you and make you shake your collective heads at times.

Pain in the Ass #9 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

Well, it's getting to be that time again.  Summer.  For me, summer used to be the same as any other time, except my son would go to day care while I went to work as I did every other day.  Last year Gabriel had the opportunity to spend time with my Aunt and Uncle in Pittsburgh, PA and my sister and her family in Canton, NY.  He had a blast.  This year, he's going to be really busy between, another trip to Canton, soccer camp, spending time with our babysitter (of almost 7 years now) and his best bud, Bola. 

However, after last year, I'm less eager to cross the border.  I had a run in with customs, and needless to say - I just don't wanna deal with those morons. Seeing as Gabriel wants to see his cousins in NY, I'm going to have to do it all over again.  *sigh*  For those of you who didn't hear about my adventure, I'll relive it - just for the Hell of it.  Maybe, whoever reads this (ha ha ha) will share some of their horror stories at the border, etc.

Here goes... My adventure at the border was something I'd been hoping for (please note sarcasm).  I was coming back from Buffalo as my aunt had Gabriel with them in Pittsburgh about a week, and she was nice enough to shave 3-4 hours off of my drive by meeting me in Buffalo.  When I was crossing back over into Canada, they asked me where I lived - so I told them. They then asked me where I was coming from, again, I answered them. They inquired as to why I was coming from Buffalo - so I told them I was meeting my aunt. They asked me why I was meeting her.  I replied with "I was picking up my son". They asked me why he was there and for how long, told them that too. Chick at the border says "I need you to pull over to one of the parking spots, and one of our agents will be with you shortly." So, I do what I'm told. Dude meets me, and tells me I have to go into the customs building. I go in. He then takes my passport and tells me I have to return to my vehicle, and the agents out there will assist me. I ask him what the problem is, and he tells me again to go out side. So, I go (and remember, I have my very tired, and semi grouchy kid with me through out this BS).

Dude and chick are waiting for me, and I take them to my car. They tell me to unlock it and to stand by the sidewalk. They searched the car; took the rockets that Gabriel had made with my uncle apart, put them back together. Grilled me some more, closed the doors after the search and then told me to go back in the building. Again, do what I'm told, but not before I asked them what the problem was. They of course didn't answer.  I went back in there where I'm told I have to go back to the US side, go thru customs and then ret'n back to Canada.  I asked for my passport back and he declines, instead gives me a form and then says this will suffice in lieu of my passport. Again I ask what's up... he tells me to just do what I'm told (as you know me, this is hard to do without a fight) but I did it. Didn't want to be arrested or something.

So, back I go around to the US customs, hand him the form and G's passport.  Dude looks at me like I'm stupid. Asks me why I don't have a passport, told him the story. He goes over to the dude in the shed beside him, comes back to me, hands me another form and makes a snide remark about Canada, and tells me to do what the other (original) dude says and go back to the Canadian side...so...I do that.  They look at me like I'm crazy on our side, and I just tell the same story.  He then tells me that I must have said or done something to make them worry.  I told him exactly what they asked me and what I said.  This dude is puzzled and says that he didn't understand, but that it was good I just went along with it. Yay me! So, I go back to the building to get my passport.  I shared my frustration (HUGE waste of time) and told the guy that I don't get what's going on or why this happened, but it would be nice to know what was wrong.  He just says to me, that it's up to them to decide what happens and if I don't like it, then I should just stay in my country, and leave it at that. I tell him that my country, at this point, is moronic, especially when it was Canadian customs that were running around with their heads up their collective butts, treating a 'fellow' Canadian citizen like this and wont even answer a simple question. I refrained from saying anything more, even though there was so much I wanted to say... as I didn't want to be arrested, and have my child put God know's where.

Moral of the story...bend over and just take it.  Hurts less when you're more relaxed, apparently.  God Bless Canada, Eh?

P.S. I'm now UBER excited to go back to the States... Road trip, anyone??

Pain in the Ass #8 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

Both Tom Petty and Johnny Cash sang these words,
'Well I know what's right, I got just one life; in a world that keeps on pushin me around; but I'll stand my ground...and I won't back down'.  
Today, more than ever these words speak to me.  I know that likely sounds corny - but it's the truth.

I also got to thinking about something I said in a previous blog about how I never keep my ex from our son, and how I've even cancelled things so that he could see his dad.  I sound like a pussy.  Plain and simple.  I sound like a push over.  And that's what my ex preys on.  Well, no more. 

I'm tired of being pushed around and bullied.  This here blog is my voice as of late, and I'm shouting out!  No longer am I going to be bullied.  No longer am I going to be pushed around or threatened.  I wont be a bitch, no way! I wont be mean! I will continue to play fair as I have all along.  BUT I'm not going to be the push over. I'm no longer going to go out of my way to allow access, and no longer going to cancel my plans to accommodate my ex. 

I need to teach my son how to treat people, and how he needs to treat women.  I want him to respect women, and to see that we're not the weaker of the species - that we are all supposed to be treated equal.  He needs to see me stand up for myself and realize that in doing so, I'm standing up for him AND teaching him a life lesson at the same time. 

He's been going on with this "treat others as you'd have them treat you" - but he's missing the point.  He thinks that it means if someone does you wrong, then you do wrong to them.  I'm trying to teach him that it's not that way at all.  I try to tell him that you treat others as you want to be treated.  I try to encourage him to take the higher road.  I hope that he'll see what I struggle to do with his dad every encounter, in spite of how his father treats me.  But at the same time, I don't want him thinking it's ok for his father to belittle me in front of him, or that it's ok to bully me.  My son needs to know that it's not ok to treat others like that. 

My fear tho, is that if I stand up to his father, and not do everything I can to ensure that he sees his dad - that he will resent me.  I'm told that in the end, Gabriel will realize what's what - and that he'll see that I love him, and that I'm the one that's provided him with love, and stability and that I've done everything I could to protect him.  I believe these words to a point, but at the same time - doesn't take away the pains in my heart knowing that my son is caught in the middle of this no matter what I do to prevent that.  I've done what I can to keep him out of the middle, to not use him as a messenger; to not involve him in the disputes between his father and I.  I wont ever bad talk his father in front of him.  He's got to figure it all out on his own - and I wont be the one to help him either.  If he can have a relationship with his father in the end of all of this, I sure as Hell wont be the one to take that away from him.  I love Gabriel more than I dislike his father.  And quite frankly, that's the way it should be.  Too often children are taken down with the wreckage of a failed marriage/relationship - and I refuse to do that to him.

Those who know me know I love my son more than anything else in this world, and that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him.  But I also have to stand up for myself, otherwise, I'm teaching him all the wrong things and in doing so, I'm allowing this poor behaviour to continue. I ask that you all think of us and keep Gabriel and I in your prayers.

Pain in the Ass #7 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

This year certainly has been one of those years.  But I know that I'm not alone.  And if I go back a few years ago, I felt like it was a bad thing to be a part of my family for at least 2-3 years straight.  One thing after another - and most of it was death related.  I got to thinking about everything that happened back then this morning as I was in the shower.  Not entirely sure why to be honest, but it just popped in my brain.

Rewind...

Jan/07 - I broke my foot (and was subsequently off work for 3 mo's); and my Aunt Connie died just days after that.
May/07 - Kicked my husband out (Just as I was starting back to work)
Sept/07 - My mom died at the age of 53, and I officially moved on from my failed marriage
Jan/08 - Sold the matrimonial home and bought my own home for Gabriel and I
Sept/08 -  My Aunt Charlene died
Jan/09 - My Grandpa Brohm died

It's so weird when I look back... I have to wonder, how in the Hell did I keep all my hair and not go nuts.  I mean, when you factor in all the emotional heartache from a death in the family, let alone four deaths, and then a failed marriage, and the struggle to keep me together for my son - Good God!! It's truly insane.  Then I think about that saying "God gives you only what you can handle".  I think He thinks too highly of me, personally.  However, it was also during this time, that I met my best friend.  So, I guess in some ways it balanced out.

Fast forward to now, tho.  Off work for over 6 mo's due to a back injury; having to get back on my feet both literally and financially.  Really, is this so bad??  I think not.  I seem to go in cycles - with all the crap that keeps happening.  It seems to be about every 3-4 years.  However, this time around, I have a wonderful man, Bola - to help me shoulder my stress and anxiety. 

It's also one of those strange years for me, more or less in relation to my mom.  I've never really missed her - not since I was a little girl.  This past birthday, my 33rd, I REALLY missed her.  Couldn't tell you why, either.  I'd gotten a note on FB from a friend of hers, who is also a cousin once or twice removed.  She was wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me how she remembers my mom bringing me home, and how she was one of the first to see me.

One of the first pics of me and my mom. ~1977

My mom and I had a very tumultuous relationship.  I don't want to go into the nitty gritty, but it was an abusive relationship, with neglect and a lot of misplaced parenting.  I grew up fast, and I had to be the 'parent' to my brother a lot of the time, and quite frankly to my mother as well.  On too many occasions I had to be her voice of reason, the responsible one.  She wanted to be my friend, but I wanted a mother.  Someone who would guide me and direct me as a parent should.  This is one of the many reasons I'm grateful for my grandparents, Bob and Irene - they were amazing role models, and a source of fear for me.  I knew if I did something really stupid - I was dead. End of story.

Mom was a flashy woman, who had an eye for glam.  Her nails were always done, always wearing her trademark 'door knocker' earrings (lol) and she was always done up with make up.  She knew how to put herself together.  She had such incredible talent - an amazing artist.  She met people like Andy Donato, Ben Wicks, Lynn Johnston - was even offered a job with Walt Disney at some point.  Her taste in music was impeccable.  I have to admit, that is one thing I'm truly grateful for - the music.  She'd be shaking the house with Led Zeppelin, CCR, Pink Floyd, The Doobie Brothers... and countless others.  Other times, she'd be listening to the sometimes softer, but equally incredible Elton John, Billy Joel or Stevie Wonder.  God - I love that music, and all cause of her.

As I said, I grew up fast.  Especially after my parents split.  The way I had to grow up was the foundation for the parent I am today.  So much of what I saw and experienced was far from appropriate - but, again - it's made me who I am today, good or bad.  I know as adults we look back, and can relate to the children we were, and how we don't want to repeat our parents 'mistakes'.  I guess so long as we learn and grow from it, that's what's important - and not to use it as a crutch or an excuse for what we've turned into.

It's because of the relationship that I had with my mother when she was alive that I don't know how to deal with my feelings towards her now.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again (countless times I'm sure) I'm eternally grateful for the day I spent with her, the day she died.  I broke some serious laws that day, trying to get from Barrie to Bobcaygeon when the nursing home called me saying that my mom wasn't doing well, and that it was best I get there ASAP.  Those who know me, know I have a lead foot.  Well, it came in handy that day.  I already had the story set in my head for when the cops would pull me over (and surprisingly enough, they didn't).  I think I got to Bobcaygeon in less than 2 hours from the time I got the call, called work, picked up my son and packed a bag for us.

Days before, I had to make the choice as to whether or not to continue with the dialysis.  I had talked to her before that, asking her what she wanted.  She had told me that so long as she was able to make the decision she wanted to continue.  But should the time come when it wasn't beneficial for her to continue, and/or should she be unable to make that call - it was up to me.  I told her that when it gets to that point, I was going to ask them to stop.  She agreed with me.  When I arrived that day, she was unresponsive.  It was what I had expected, but all the same - it was so real.  It was happening and there was nothing I could do at this point.  My grandmother was there, and so was my brother, Chris and my son.  We were with her, together, for a couple of hours, and then they all left to go back to my grandmothers.  I stayed with my mom.  I had my mp3 player with me, and played her favorite music for her.  I took the opportunity to talk to her.  I told her that it no longer mattered what happened in the past and that I forgave her for all that had happened.  I also asked for her forgiveness.  I had been so angry with her for so many years - I wanted her to forgive me for that anger.  I know my anger was warranted, but at the point we were both at during that last day together - it really didn't matter.  I really don't know if she forgave me, but I hope that she heard what I had to say, and I hope that she passed on knowing that it was all in the past, and that I loved her.

That very night, after I had left - she died.  I really didn't expect the emotions that hit me.  They still hit me from time-to-time.  But I'm so grateful for them.  It's because I had that one last chance with her that I can feel these emotions.  I'm no longer angry with her, or bitter over how I grew up.  I do wish that we could have had this breakthrough before she died - but it happened nonetheless.

I planned the memorial service, and dealt with the funeral home. My family helped with the 'social' part of it.  The church wasn't too keen to allow me to play Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' as people left the service in honour of my mother.  To be honest, it really annoyed me.  BUT, when we buried her with my Aunt Connie (mom was cremated) I had Led Zeppelin playing in the cemetery for her.  It was the least I could do.  I also picked out a marker for both my aunt and my mother - I'm realizing now, I need to get up to Norland to get a picture of it!  

It's when I'm listening to music she loved, Spring days - when everything is in bloom - or on Autumn days when the leaves are at their most beautiful and the smell of Fall is upon us... Christmas - with all the decorations and the music... she is in my thoughts and it's during those times I really miss her.  I know in some ways, I'm a lot like her.  I draw - been told I'm talented, but I'm no-where near the talent she was; I have the same insane love for music that she did.  I'll never be the same Christmas looney she was, but I do like to put the tree up ASAP, and have the music going (as soon as Halloween is over) - I get that from her.  I'm sad that she wont get to know my incredible son - and to see the little nut that he's becoming. Maybe she's watching us from up in Heaven, with my grampa and my aunt - keeping an eye on all of us.

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but in our case we're nuts!

L'il Suzie - one of my faves!!

Pain in the Ass #6 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

Reflections...

Don't think for a moment that I'm not fully aware of how whiny and bitchy my blogs can be.  It seems it's all I ever do any more.  However, I do have some really wonderful things in my life, all of which I'm so utterly grateful for, and completely indebted to God for.

For starters, how about that wonderful son of mine?? I swear, there are days where I look at him and think "He's mine, and I love him!".  There are days where I look at him and think "If he doesn't stop doing that, and start listening, I'm going to stick a sign on him saying 'free to a good home; comes with all toys, clothes and is potty trained' ".  There are also days where I look at him, and I can't help but to think "HE'S MINE!!! I AM SO UTTERLY, COMPLETELY AND HELPLESSLY IN LOVE WITH THIS KID!!! AND, I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM"... and usually that one is followed with me grabbing his little body and hugging him and kissing him way past the point of him doing the cat-caught-by-Pepè le pew act of pushing me away.  He is the most incredible kid (and I know I'm biased - I am his mom, of course) and I am the most lucky mom in the entire world to have this kid with me, in my life.  I wasn't supposed to have children according to my doctor.  Was told I shouldn't have children cause of my diabetes, and the strain on my kidneys (no, not quite as bad as Julia Roberts in 'Steel Magnolias').  And my husband, after we got married decided he didn't want kids. It seemed as though I just wasn't going to have a baby.  Then one night, we found out that I was pregnant, and my little miracle, Gabriel, came to be.  God, I love that kid.  'Thank you for him.  Thank you so very much - there isn't anything I can ever do to show you my gratitude for his existence.'  Have I mentioned how awesome my son is???

Then there are my grandparents.  My grandmother and I, haven't always seen eye-to-eye.  In fact there was a point, I didn't really like her much.  She's a very controlling woman, who's point of view is/was "Do it the way I tell you, when I tell you, or ..." well, you don't want me to finish that sentence.  But when I got older, I understood why she's like that.  She had a HORRIBLE childhood.  She might not always show it in the conventional, non-neurotic way - but she loves her family to a fault.  She goes way over board to protect and to ensure that you do what you need to do, be prepared and educated, able to contribute to society and to not have 'crutches' or 'excuses' why you can't do something. It's her opinion, that there is no reason not to do, and certainly no reason (short of physical limitations and/or death) to not at least try.  She is a very particular woman (I can't even make comments, as I'm OCD - pot calling the kettle black, etc...)  Back to my point though - she wants to make sure her 'kin are cared for, and doesn't want them to have the life she had. She wants us to have a better life, with ample opportunities.  She loves us. She's not always able to show it, or say it - but when she does, it means the entire world to me.  I know for a fact that she feels guilty for how I grew up with my mother (another long story). It pains me that she feels that way, but it's not something I can take from her, no matter what I say.

My grandfather has been dead for a couple of years now.  I miss him more than anything I could ever imagine.  He was, and still is quite frankly, the greatest man who ever existed.  God, how I miss him.  He was always there for me, in my corner.  Being the voice of reason when my grandma and I would clash.  He was the one who said on countless occasions "Irene, she's just a girl.  Let it be."  I remember him telling me I was his favorite (of course, I'm sure he told all of us that).  I remember him telling me how proud he was of me, for what I'd accomplished.  I remember how that felt - how insanely proud that made me, to know that he felt that way about me.  I also remember the afternoons, when he'd be watching something like the Bugs Bunny cartoons (he LOVED Foghorn Leghorn), Benny Hill, or Red Skelton (Guzzler's Gin - another favorite).  He'd be laughing SO hard, that he'd cry; I still remember him fixing the comb over he so lovingly tended to, slapping his knee, and just laughing at the 'stupid ass' on the TV set.  I remember the smell of the barn on him. To others, you may cringe at this - but it was a smell I actually loved.  It was how he smelled most of the time as he was a farmer, on top of everything else he did, day-to-day.  I miss his big hands, so rough and dry - but they were working hands, his hands.  But I also remember how the Alzheimer's took him away from us. It slowly erased the stories he had of his family coming to Canada from Germany, 3 generations before; took away the memories he had of his immediate family - causing him to forget that both his parents had died many years ago; causing him to no longer recognize his family - the people that adored him.

There were a few funny things about the Alzheimer's... for instance, before he got really bad, and while he still knew who my grandma was - he was affectionate with her in front of me.  Coming up to her and hugging her, and giving her kisses.  It was a side of them I'd never seen before.  He'd 'regressed' to his younger days, I'm guessing, and although he saw an older version of his young love before him - he still saw the woman that he loved for many, many years.  I feel so blessed to have seen that.

He no longer held his tongue.  The man I remember was VERY diplomatic.  Never heard a foul word from his mouth.  That being said, I'm sure he reserved that for the men that worked with him, and kept that part of him from his grandchildren.  There were times that we feared he'd say the wrong things at the worst time - but from what I recall, I don't think he ever said anything too bad to the 'right' people.

He also ate a peanut butter sandwich.  For those who didn't know him - let me tell you this... when I was growing up, he shared with me stories of him growing up with his two brothers, and his parents.  They were poor, and going thru The Great Depression.  They practically lived on vats of peanut butter - somewhat healthy, and was what they could afford.  He HATED that stuff, and swore he'd rather die than to eat that EVER again!!  I was visiting him one day when he was in the nursing home.  The PSW brought him a sandwich for a snack, and he started eating it.  I couldn't help but notice the smell, and asked her what it was made of.  She informed me that it was a PB & J sandwich.  I almost fell off my chair as my grandpa exclaimed "Mmm...this is good!".  I couldn't believe it.  It was both funny and heartbreaking in a way as it was yet another sign that we were loosing him further.  I still remember the day, where he'd had one of the last of his lucid moments, when I told him how much I missed him - he responded with "I miss me too".  I leaned over, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him - to which I got an "I love you too, Ruthie"...and then he was 'gone'.  He didn't know who I was after that.

I still remember the night he died.  It was him, my grandma and me.  It was an awful death.  Not a peaceful one.  As much as I hate the memory of how he died - I'm so very grateful to God, that I got to be there with him and my grandma during that time.  It's a time I'll never give up, or regret.  I got to be with my grandma as she watched her husband pass on to life in Heaven - to a life without that miserable disease that erased the man we all loved so much, and I got to say good bye to the most incredible man I will ever know.  As sad as it all sounds - I wouldn't replace it.  No matter how sad I am, thinking about life without my grampa - I have the memories, and I had the great fortune to have been someone he loved, and was proud of.  I know he watches over me, and I really hope he's still proud of me.  'I hope you know how much I truly miss you, Grampa.'

Both my grandma and my grandpa were like parents to me; they cared for me and loved me.  No matter how much we (grandma and I) drove each other nuts, I love that woman so much.  I can't imagine my life without her...and to be honest, I dread the day she's gone.  Cause then I'll kind of be on my own.  Those two were the biggest influences in my life, and they were the two constants in my life - never changing.  I am a lucky girl to have had people like Bob and Irene as parents/grandparents...even though, I didn't always see it that way when I was a teen.

I'm also very grateful for my life.  I have an education, good work ethic and a lot of kick ass determination.  I've worked hard to be where I am.  I own my house, my car.  I'm able to provide for my son and I.  I'm not rich by any means, but I'm capable and a provider all the same.  I have a wonderful man in my life right now, who I love.  He's wonderful to me, to my son (my son loves him too).  An awesome dad to his incredible little girl, Destiny (who I love and adore).  I don't know what the future holds for me - no freakin' clue.  What I can tell you tho, no matter what comes my way, I've got a lot to be grateful for; memories I wont give up without one Hell of a fight and some very important people in my corner rooting for me both here on earth, and I'm sure up in Heaven, too.

Pain in the Ass #5 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

Ok.  I can't take it any more.  I have to purge, yet again, before I explode!!

Here goes.  I'm dating this wonderful man.  He's the kind of man that almost every woman dreams of having in their life.  He's loving, kind, gentle, sweet and affectionate.  He's a hard worker, good provider for his daughter (and at one point, his ex).  He is active in his daughter's life - has 50-50 custody with his ex and does whatever he can for his daughter AND wouldn't hesitate to have her with him full time.  This man even combs her massive fro of hair and does his daughter's braids!! He's not afraid to do things with her, that other men would balk at.  He's a better male role model to my son than his own father is.  He's not controlling, manipulative; he doesn't lie to me, does not hit me - respects me, supports me emotionally and is always there to talk and put up with my neurotic behaviour.  For those who know me really well, know that isn't an easy thing to do!  He is always doing nice things for me; going out of his way to prove himself a worthy part of my life (which is totally unnecessary, given that I'm more than easy to please, and considering what I was married to - well, let's just say - this man has nothing to prove!!).

This ex of his has this miserable attitude that makes me want to punch her in the face.  She's belligerent, disrespectful of him, undermines him with their daughter and terribly demanding for all the wrong things.  She can't even ask nicely for something - total lack of manners, and couth.  She also has the audacity to act as though she's been done wrong, when she's the one who's in the wrong.  She lied, disrespected him, passed all responsibility on to him, was lazy - didn't appreciate a damn thing he did for her. And on top of that, cleaned out all of their daughter's things leaving him to start over from scratch, and left with their daughter - telling him that she wanted to have a 60/40 split (her having 60% would allow her FULL child support), accusing him of being controlling, manipulative and abusive - and that there was nothing he could do.  She's irresponsible with her money and her responsibilities.  She's the 'ultimate queen' who is lazy and childish.

This 'woman' has threatened him in every way possible, accused him of things that I refuse to believe he is capable of, and is doing everything in her power to destroy this good man; not caring that in doing so she is ultimately hurting their daughter far more than anyone else.

Women like this PISS ME OFF!!  I don't understand where these women get off!?!?  I was in an abusive relationship, he lied, he cheated, he was an addict.  I was disrespected and I put up with a lot of crap.  BUT... the difference is - I made sure my son was cared for (as does my ex, I will give him that credit - he's never missed a child support payment EVER), got my shit together, made sure that we got out of that situation and have never looked back.  I have NEVER claimed to be a victim of anything.  Been through a plethora of emotions and feelings since my marriage ended.  I went to an addiction counsellor, went to addiction support groups for spouses, and went to a therapist as well cause of all that went on in my marriage.  But I have never acted a victim, when in fact I could pull out all the stops and milk it for all it's worth.

Instead, I moved on, sought help to get my self back on track emotionally; bought my house (on my own), and started our new lives over again for the better.  My ex and I are not friends.  Nor do I think we ever will be.  I know he doesn't like me much, and quite frankly I'm not a huge fan of him either. I haven't ever threatened my ex with anything - never kept him from our son.  In fact, there have been times where I have cancelled things so that G could see his dad.  I'm not looking for a medal - just saying that I love my son more than anything else in this entire world, and would do anything that would make him happy.  I will never keep him from his dad, no matter what.  As for my ex, I do truly hope he has learned from our failed marriage, and I do honestly wish him all the best in the future.  I also hope that he will be the father to our son that G deserves.

I realize that in my defending this man, you might ask - "What makes you think he isn't capable of the things he's been accused of? What makes you any better than this ex who is saying these horrible things?".  Well, for starters, it's the truth.  I have people who can vouch for things that went on in my marriage, including confessions from people involved in certain things.  I'm also a firm believer, that when you get out of an abusive relationship - you can go one of two ways.  You can be the woman who has actually learned from this awful experience and in doing so, learn your value and self worth.  By doing this - you pretty much can rest assured, you're not going to fall into that trap ever again.  Then there's the woman who keeps running back to the same type of men over and over and over - never learning her lesson, much less her value and self worth.  I am the first of these two women.  I know that I am worthy and I know I have value! I have spent A LOT of time with this man, and I believe that he isn't the 'monster' she claims him to be.  I know he isn't perfect, in fact, he's far from it.  I know, and he will agree, he played a part in the poor relationship that he had with this woman.  He is not without fault.  However, he is human.  He is a good man.  I personally believe that his biggest fault at that time was that he was TOO good to her, and that he allowed a lot of bad behaviour to happen, and therefore gave her certain expectations of how things 'should' be.
 
So, again I ask - what is it with these "queens"?? I am so sick and bloody tired of these spoiled rotten little bitches causing so much grief and heartache to all those around them, especially their children.  Why is it that they are so bloody intent on destroying others???  Trust me, I realize that there are men out there, that are just as bad as women.  I don't believe that one sex is better than the other - quite frankly, people in general suck.   I just don't get it, and honestly, likely never will.  I know that there are a lot of 'words' in this rant, but I can assure you, I can't fully express how mad women like this make me, and I really can't get over how angry I am.  Words just can't express... believe it or not.

How to (efficiently, yet creatively) clean a toilet.

This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.

1. Put the lid and the seat of the toilet up.  Add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. 
You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.  Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.  Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


**Good thing I have a cat... will come in handy.  Thanks Aunt Bonnie.  I have the greatest family!!**

Stress...

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, "How heavy is this glass of water?"
Answers called out ranged from 8oz. To 20oz.
The lecturer replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance."
In each case, it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.
He continued, "And that's the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden. So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work/life down. Don't carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy! "

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

1 * Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

6 * If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 * You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box .

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

**Thanks Aunt Bonnie! **

Pain in the Ass #4 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

I thought for the Hell of it, I'd share a bit about what OCD is.  There seems to be a lot of misconceptions - and I wanted to take the opportunity to 'splain it better.

Here goes! 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often done in the hopes of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. These "rituals" provide only temporary relief, and not performing them significantly increases anxiety. People with OCD are under great stress. The intensity of their symptoms varies: sometimes they are like background noise and at other times they are a deafening roar. Because individuals with OCD may spend an hour or more every day carrying out rituals, their ability to conduct a balanced life is impaired and their relationships at work and home can suffer.

Healthy people also have rituals, such as checking to see if the stove is off several times before leaving the house. The difference is that people with OCD perform their rituals even though doing so interferes with daily life and they find the repetition distressing. Although most adults with OCD recognize that what they are doing is senseless, some adults and most children may not realize that their behavior is out of the ordinary.

The course of the disease is quite varied. Symptoms may come and go, ease over time, or get worse. If OCD becomes severe, it can keep a person from working or carrying out normal responsibilities at home. People with OCD may try to help themselves by avoiding situations that trigger their obsessions, or they may use alcohol or drugs to calm themselves.

For me, it's patterns and counting.  My cutlery is in a particular order and if it's out of order, I have to fix it; my big knives are in a particular order, as are my plates, cups, spices etc... to others, my house seems organized, neat and tidy.  To me, I see it very differently - I see it as an ongoing source of frustration/stress.  People in my house don't see the issue with my 'patterns'.  And to some, it doesn't seem like a big deal.  But I will check several times a day to ensure nothing has changed, and that everything is in its place.  If just one thing is out of order - I fix it, and then follows the domino effect - I'll search the house.  My radio in my car and my stereo in my house - the volume is always set on certain numbers i.e. 30, 35, 40, 45... can't ever be 22, 36, or 41.  Always has to be a 5 or a 0.  No matter how quiet, or how loud it is - I can't allow it otherwise. My brain wont rest until it's fixed. My son has two mugs - one yellow, one blue.  He has four tumblers - pink, yellow, blue and green.  The pink and yellow have to go in the blue cup - but the yellow has to go in first (cause the pink can't touch the blue), and then the blue and green have to go into the yellow mug - the green going in first (cause the blue can't touch the yellow).  His plates/bowls are all in certain patterns as per the design on the plates and bowls; the salt and the pepper can't sit beside each other - something has to be separating them, and those things separating them have to be the opposite colour - for instance the salt stands with the Worchestershire sauce, and the pepper stands with the olive oil (has to have a pattern - black white black white).  I open my curtains in a particular way, and if they're moved, it bugs me till I fix it - or if someone else opens them - I have to close them and open them on my own so that it's 'right'.  My table has to be 'just so' on the floor - has to be in between certain squares; my mats on my floors have to be just so - else I can't rest till it's fixed.  It's one reason I can't handle it when someone helps me, cause it causes me so much anxiety - it's not done right and I have to follow behind them to make sure it's right.  So, imagine how much anxiety I'm feeling when someone is here helping me - and I can't 'fix' it out of fear of hurting their feelings... or being in my current situation - I can't do much to fix things... so, I fixate and stress over silly things which I have no control over, and am physically unable to manage at the moment.  Most people say to me "Just let it go"... but that's the thing.  I can't. 

If I'm really stressed, I will go on a bender so-to-speak.  I will tear things apart just to organize them, just to give myself that sense of control; it sometimes helps ease my stress and anxiety.  On occasion, it's backfired and increased my stress and anxiety.  Being off work, and being in so much pain, has caused me a lot of stress.  I'm so eager to feel better again, to be physically capable of acting out all my rituals.  I feel so anxious and out of control cause of all of this... I really need to get back to work, really need to be fixed!!

That's just part of it - I wont go into every little detail.  I'm sure y'all think I'm crazy - or if you thought I was before, well, then I've just confirmed it for you.  After reading that, I wonder what y'all think.  To some if not most, you wont think that's such a bad thing.  But for me, if I don't do these things - my rituals, if you will - I can't function.  I'll fixate and obsess until it's fixed.  I'll stress till it's done - wont sleep even.  Before the meds, even if I did 'fix' something, again - it would trigger a domino effect - and even now, on meds, I still do that on occasion.  Depends on the amount of stress I'm under at the time.  I realize how nutty this all sounds - trust me I do.  I used to be embarassed to admit to my 'rituals'.  But I've learned how to make it work for me.  I've never been driven to drugs or alcohol to manage it; I've never been brought to the point of harming myself or others cause of it... I wont lie tho, there are times where I wish I wasn't like this.  My life and the lives of those around me would be very different, and quite likely much easier.  Just ask my son, and my ex husband.  They can vouch how frustrating it is to be around me when I'm in a frenzy... it ain't pretty. 

I hope that this has helped clear it up for people. I'm a nurse by trade; education and awareness is what I do.  Might as well make it work for me, eh?

Pain in the Ass #3 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

WARNING: The following blog is full of frustration and A LOT of bitching and whining.  Reader's discretion is advised...it's also kind of all over the place - so please forgive me...    



I've been avoiding this blog.  I've been so frustrated, annoyed, sore and tired.  I've been reluctant to write in my blog cause I didn't want to complain. Tired of being whiny.  UGH.  BUT... seeing as this is supposed to be 'therapeutic' and a way for me to release crap inside of me... I figured I'd better purge and get it over with.


It's been one of those things - this pain I've been dealing with.  I try so hard to focus on other things; to occupy my time with things that will get my mind off of it.  My entire life is consumed with it. DAMN!!  As an RN, I have studied how pain affects people; I've seen people suffer from chronic pain and I've also helped them deal with it; either by going to tried and true methods, or researching on their behalf and bugging the doc's until they listen. And until the other day, I never really considered myself to be one that 'suffers from chronic pain'.  However, while doing some reading about pain and its effects - I've come to discover that I fall into that category.  

I find my moods to be really awful; the filter from my brain to my mouth seems to have disappeared - not entirely sure where it went, to be honest. I'm bored, restless, fidgety, easily annoyed (yes, more than usual =^P ) did I mention bored, restless and fidgety?? I find myself seriously annoyed with people who tell me "it could be worse", or they've been through worse, to focus on the positive, cause their life is so much worse, or they know what I'm going through, when really - they don't have a clue.  It's just like the OCD.  I've had countless people say that they have OCD too, when in fact they don't. Being organized and particular about how you do things is VERY different than OCD.  Trust me.  I wish I was just organized and particular.  That would be a breeze compared to what goes on inside my brain.  I'm not trying to put others down, or to make other people feel bad.  Just doing my purge before I explode.  These days, it really doesn't take much to push me to the point of detonation.


**Side note: " I know what you're going thru..." That's actually one of the reasons I became a nurse.  I know what it's like to be sick, poked and prodded; to be stuck in a hospital for days and days, and sometimes weeks; know what it's like to be the patient - and I was SO TIRED of nurses/doctors telling me they knew what I was going thru, when all they had at their disposal was book knowledge. I have tried so hard not to be one of those professionals that says that fateful line... cause all it does is annoy those who are suffering - a slap in the face, if you will, even though it's meant to be a term of encouragement**

According to Science Daily, people with unrelenting pain don't only suffer from the non-stop sensation of throbbing pain. They also have trouble sleeping, are often depressed, anxious and even have difficulty making simple decisions.  Subsequent changes in wiring in the brain may make it harder for you to make a decision or be in a good mood to get up in the morning. It could be that pain produces depression and the other reported abnormalities because it disturbs the balance of the brain as a whole.  In a healthy (pain free) brain all the regions exist in a state of equilibrium. When one region is active, the others quiet down. But in people with chronic pain, a front region of the cortex mostly associated with emotion "never shuts up".

That is me in a nutshell.  I'm not depressed tho - I'm frustrated.  Beyond frustrated.  Can't do simple things like cleaning my toilet, sweeping floors, washing dishes, laundry - groceries are a chore and typically by the time I get to my car, I'm in tears cause I hurt and am so bloody frustrated with my stupid back.  Add to that, being cooped up in my house almost all the time - I'm an active girl.  Like to be outside going for a hike, bike ride, etc...I'm a girl who doesn't like to sit around and watch TV all the time.  I'm the girl who gets it all done ASAP, doesn't waste time.  I don't 'relax' all that well; my OCD doesn't help, granted - but I'm medicated for that, and thankfully the meds work. 

When meds weren't involved, I warn you - it was a frenzy in my brain, and my household/life was even worse.  I'd tear around the house - it was like a domino effect - me and my organizing/fixing things. I wouldn't rest till it was all done and my brain would accept it...should that ever happen.  Pre-medication, there were nights I didn't sleep cause my brain wouldn't shut off and let me shut down cause there was something out of place which would in turn, start the domino effect again and again.  It wasn't just limited to inside my home, but I struggled to keep my OCD under wraps in the outside world - until at last I accepted my doctors' offers of medication to get me and my OCD under control. I've never looked back.  I'm not ashamed of it either - I've always viewed it as a productive 'disorder'.  However, since my injury, I have been trying to manage my chores here at home and surprisingly enough, my OCD has mostly been under wraps (thank God for meds!!) I hate being unable to control things in my environment - that too is an issue with my OCD.  It allows me some control, or at least, that's what my brain 'thinks' - I hate being dependent on others, and I hate feeling/being lazy.   

Speaking of lazy - I've actually encountered someone (she was a friend - I was tired of her BS...and by the end of this, you'll maybe understand why I ended the friendship) who actually had the audacity to 'wish' she could injure herself at work, so that she didn't have to work.  WTF?? She actually said this to me.  She also said how lucky I was, and how I should appreciate what I had...specifically stating that I was lucky that I got to stay at home, and get paid for it no matter the pain I was in. I wanted to choke her.  This is also the same person who uttered one day " You're lucky you have diabetes... cause your eye exams are free.  That's so unfair that the rest of us have to pay for them!".  That too, made me want to punch her in the face.  While the diabetes thing is a little off topic - I'm sorry... I'd rather be diabetes free and pay for my eye exams - than have to face the complications of this disease, which I've had now for over 20 years.


I've been trying to see the bright side of all of this; trying to find the silver lining in my cloud.  I often wonder if this is my wake-up call - should I do something else in nursing? Should I consider a different line of work? I also wonder if this is a life lesson for me.  To take better care of my body; to be in better shape for the sake of my back.  Ironic thing, tho - before my injury, I was working out, eating all my meals - losing weight and building muscle.  Maybe I need to slow down, and pace myself more.  To have a better appreciation of what chronic pain is - to make me that much more compassionate with my patients, to be empathetic with what they have to live with day after day.  I've experienced pain before - but not like this.  I was always able to treat the pain, short of my head aches due to too much fluid on my brain (something I've lived with since my early teens).  This pain - just ain't going away!! I really do want to find something positive out of this.  Cause I can assure you, I'm beyond tired of this.  


After all my bitching, there is some good news.  I finally got my appointment for my surgical consult down at Toronto Western.  It's this coming Monday.  I'm excited, anxious, nervous and down right scared.  When this all started, and surgery was first brought up - I was dead set against surgery.  Now that I've been like this for almost 6 mo's, surgery sounds great.  To me (and I could be wrong) it's the best route to go, and means that I'll be better quicker and be back to life as I knew it - but better, bitchier (hehe) and stronger! ;^)


Fingers crossed they can fix me soon, and that in the meantime - I find the positive in this situation, and also learn from my situation.  I refuse to believe that this is all for nothing, and that there isn't a lesson in it somewhere. In case anyone does actually read this massive bitch-fest, I wanted to say thanks for letting me vent and allowing me the freedom to speak my mind sans filter.

Stollen Words...

Sonnet XVII. By Pablo Neruda 

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pain in the Ass #2 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

WARNING: The following blog is full of frustration and A LOT of bitching and whining.  Reader's discretion is advised. 

WSIB.  What can one say about WSIB...??? I can think of a few choice descriptive words... however, I'm sure I'll be banned from blogging if I use the language that comes to mind.

I'm honestly trying to be patient...and for those that know me, know that ain't an easy task. WSIB seems to be made up of a bunch of un-holy wankers extraordinare! I realize that for them, the bottom line is the Almighty Dollar...and they are all too eager for me to go back to work.  But on the other hand, they're dragging their sorry arses and not being proactive at all in regards to getting me into a specialist.

Let's start at the beginning, tho.  On Sept 30 I sprained my back while at work.  It hurt but I worked thru the rest of my day as usual.  BUT by the end of my shift, I couldn't bend to take off my shoes or put them back on.  The next day, I was to work an evening shift and I had hoped that I'd be feeling better by the time my shift started.  However, I was really sore.  So, I called work. **Originally, I was going to suck it up and go to work - not bother telling work I was sore - was just going to SUCK IT UP!  But I had a voice inside my head telling me that I needed to call work (and a couple of friends who were reminding me that I was an RN, and should be smarter than that - ' CALL WORK YOU IDIOT ' they said to me)** Ok, back to where I was... called work and a manager said that I needed to go to a clinic or my FD ASAP.  So, off to a clinic here in Barrie - as my FD is in Newmarket.  The MD there said I shouldn't work that evening or for the w/e and to take it easy; if the pain continued or got worse, to go to the ER. 

It didn't get better, in fact it was worse, and vital things were being affected (wont go into a lot of detail, but safe to say previous to my injury I was a very "regular" girl).  I went to the ER here in town, and the MD there was a condescending jerk of a doctor, who said that it wasn't serious and that I needed PT (physio) - I'd be back to work in a few days to a week.  Told me I didn't need any tests (i.e. CT scan or MRI) and offered me narcotics to deal with the pain - knowing full well, I was having issues with my 'regular' nature.  At the time I was mildly annoyed, as were the nurses involved - but I thought, " Hey, it's not that serious.. I'll be fine ".

Found a PT that dealt with WSIB.  They wanted me to do an x-ray for diagnostic purposes.  X-rays show fractures, etc.. but aren't really all that affective when it comes to things that are more specific i.e. bulging discs, etc... and didn't even try to go to WSIB to request a CT Scan, or MRI.  My FD, while a great doc, said if they didn't feel I needed anything further - then I wasn't going to be referred for anything else. The PT swore up and down that I didn't have a bulging disc, and proceeded to treat me for the sprained back (without diagnostic tests as nothing was ordered).  I was also stuck (as they assumed - but didn't have proof) at the sacroiliac joint.  Dude was WAY too aggressive with me, and without really knowing what was wrong with me (even tho I suggested a CT scan to just be sure of what was going on in my back) caused even further damage to my back. 

Out of desperation, I went to a Chiropractor.  I was in agonizing pain.  Couldn't sleep, couldn't sit, stand, walk, do stairs - hated the thought of getting a shower cause it meant that I had to stand and bend...do all the stuff that you have to do, to get clean.  **Side note - with my OCD, I'm somewhat of a scrubaholic.  I need to be clean - sometimes a little obsessively.  So, my current situation is a major pain (literally) - cause I can't shut that part of my brain off.**  I'll skip over the not-so-important details and get to the point where this incredible woman (my chiro) has been fighting her ass off for me with WSIB.  It took over TWO months for me to get a CT scan - which showed a bulging disc and confirmed that I was indeed stuck at the sacroiliac joint.  Add to that, a lot of scar tissue from torn muscle and some pinched nerves.

As if things weren't bad enough - I got the flu from HELL and a nasty cough/cold with it on top of what you normally get with the flu.  I coughed, sneezed and puked to the point that my chiro is thinking my bulging disc now resembles that of a jelly doughnut with said jelly squished out - given the insane pain associated with my new present condition - post flu.

Now, back to WSIB.  These 'brilliant' turds, suggested this 'amazing' clinic in Mississauga that specializes in neck and back injuries.  I'm on the top of the list, so they say.  They agreed with my chiro (FINALLY) that this needs further investigation, as I'd exhausted pretty much all the suggested forms of pain control (haven't even started rehab yet!!) - I've tried acupuncture, cupping, meds - both non-narcotic and narcotic, heat, cold, ointments, laser therapy...and a few more that I can't think of at the moment.  I've tried core strengthening exercises to better support my back.  The chiro thinks ( as do her colleagues ) that I might benefit from nerve blocks and/or surgery. But only this last week ( remember, I've been at this for over 5 mo's ) I find out from WSIB that this 'wonderful' clinic that I was on the top of the list for - isn't even open and they're not sure when it will be open... and now they want to send me to Toronto Western.  Which is " located in the heart of downtown Toronto "... as if that's a good thing!!

So, after my rant - my point is - if they're so frickin' eager for me to get back to work - why in the name of all that is Holy... are they dragging their bloody arses in getting me help ??? I need this consult with the neurosurgeon and the orthopedic surgeon as well as the MRI to happen, so I can get better and move on.  Not be stuck in my house, short of chiro and groceries... HOLY POOP!!  ... OH - and even though I'm being referred to Toronto Western - I still don't have an appointment.  OY VEY!!

Ok.. I think I'm done that rant for now... LOL.  Everyone asks what happened and why I'm still off work - I'm assuming that will answer their questions....

That's it for now.. thanks for listening to my bitch-fest.  =^)