Both Tom Petty and Johnny Cash sang these words,
'Well I know what's right, I got just one life; in a world that keeps on pushin me around; but I'll stand my ground...and I won't back down'.
Today, more than ever these words speak to me. I know that likely sounds corny - but it's the truth.
I also got to thinking about something I said in a previous blog about how I never keep my ex from our son, and how I've even cancelled things so that he could see his dad. I sound like a pussy. Plain and simple. I sound like a push over. And that's what my ex preys on. Well, no more.
I'm tired of being pushed around and bullied. This here blog is my voice as of late, and I'm shouting out! No longer am I going to be bullied. No longer am I going to be pushed around or threatened. I wont be a bitch, no way! I wont be mean! I will continue to play fair as I have all along. BUT I'm not going to be the push over. I'm no longer going to go out of my way to allow access, and no longer going to cancel my plans to accommodate my ex.
I need to teach my son how to treat people, and how he needs to treat women. I want him to respect women, and to see that we're not the weaker of the species - that we are all supposed to be treated equal. He needs to see me stand up for myself and realize that in doing so, I'm standing up for him AND teaching him a life lesson at the same time.
He's been going on with this "treat others as you'd have them treat you" - but he's missing the point. He thinks that it means if someone does you wrong, then you do wrong to them. I'm trying to teach him that it's not that way at all. I try to tell him that you treat others as you want to be treated. I try to encourage him to take the higher road. I hope that he'll see what I struggle to do with his dad every encounter, in spite of how his father treats me. But at the same time, I don't want him thinking it's ok for his father to belittle me in front of him, or that it's ok to bully me. My son needs to know that it's not ok to treat others like that.
My fear tho, is that if I stand up to his father, and not do everything I can to ensure that he sees his dad - that he will resent me. I'm told that in the end, Gabriel will realize what's what - and that he'll see that I love him, and that I'm the one that's provided him with love, and stability and that I've done everything I could to protect him. I believe these words to a point, but at the same time - doesn't take away the pains in my heart knowing that my son is caught in the middle of this no matter what I do to prevent that. I've done what I can to keep him out of the middle, to not use him as a messenger; to not involve him in the disputes between his father and I. I wont ever bad talk his father in front of him. He's got to figure it all out on his own - and I wont be the one to help him either. If he can have a relationship with his father in the end of all of this, I sure as Hell wont be the one to take that away from him. I love Gabriel more than I dislike his father. And quite frankly, that's the way it should be. Too often children are taken down with the wreckage of a failed marriage/relationship - and I refuse to do that to him.
Those who know me know I love my son more than anything else in this world, and that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. But I also have to stand up for myself, otherwise, I'm teaching him all the wrong things and in doing so, I'm allowing this poor behaviour to continue. I ask that you all think of us and keep Gabriel and I in your prayers.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Pain in the Ass #7 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...
This year certainly has been one of those years. But I know that I'm not alone. And if I go back a few years ago, I felt like it was a bad thing to be a part of my family for at least 2-3 years straight. One thing after another - and most of it was death related. I got to thinking about everything that happened back then this morning as I was in the shower. Not entirely sure why to be honest, but it just popped in my brain.
Rewind...
Jan/07 - I broke my foot (and was subsequently off work for 3 mo's); and my Aunt Connie died just days after that.
May/07 - Kicked my husband out (Just as I was starting back to work)
Sept/07 - My mom died at the age of 53, and I officially moved on from my failed marriage
Jan/08 - Sold the matrimonial home and bought my own home for Gabriel and I
Sept/08 - My Aunt Charlene died
Jan/09 - My Grandpa Brohm died
It's so weird when I look back... I have to wonder, how in the Hell did I keep all my hair and not go nuts. I mean, when you factor in all the emotional heartache from a death in the family, let alone four deaths, and then a failed marriage, and the struggle to keep me together for my son - Good God!! It's truly insane. Then I think about that saying "God gives you only what you can handle". I think He thinks too highly of me, personally. However, it was also during this time, that I met my best friend. So, I guess in some ways it balanced out.
Fast forward to now, tho. Off work for over 6 mo's due to a back injury; having to get back on my feet both literally and financially. Really, is this so bad?? I think not. I seem to go in cycles - with all the crap that keeps happening. It seems to be about every 3-4 years. However, this time around, I have a wonderful man, Bola - to help me shoulder my stress and anxiety.
It's also one of those strange years for me, more or less in relation to my mom. I've never really missed her - not since I was a little girl. This past birthday, my 33rd, I REALLY missed her. Couldn't tell you why, either. I'd gotten a note on FB from a friend of hers, who is also a cousin once or twice removed. She was wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me how she remembers my mom bringing me home, and how she was one of the first to see me.
My mom and I had a very tumultuous relationship. I don't want to go into the nitty gritty, but it was an abusive relationship, with neglect and a lot of misplaced parenting. I grew up fast, and I had to be the 'parent' to my brother a lot of the time, and quite frankly to my mother as well. On too many occasions I had to be her voice of reason, the responsible one. She wanted to be my friend, but I wanted a mother. Someone who would guide me and direct me as a parent should. This is one of the many reasons I'm grateful for my grandparents, Bob and Irene - they were amazing role models, and a source of fear for me. I knew if I did something really stupid - I was dead. End of story.
Mom was a flashy woman, who had an eye for glam. Her nails were always done, always wearing her trademark 'door knocker' earrings (lol) and she was always done up with make up. She knew how to put herself together. She had such incredible talent - an amazing artist. She met people like Andy Donato, Ben Wicks, Lynn Johnston - was even offered a job with Walt Disney at some point. Her taste in music was impeccable. I have to admit, that is one thing I'm truly grateful for - the music. She'd be shaking the house with Led Zeppelin, CCR, Pink Floyd, The Doobie Brothers... and countless others. Other times, she'd be listening to the sometimes softer, but equally incredible Elton John, Billy Joel or Stevie Wonder. God - I love that music, and all cause of her.
As I said, I grew up fast. Especially after my parents split. The way I had to grow up was the foundation for the parent I am today. So much of what I saw and experienced was far from appropriate - but, again - it's made me who I am today, good or bad. I know as adults we look back, and can relate to the children we were, and how we don't want to repeat our parents 'mistakes'. I guess so long as we learn and grow from it, that's what's important - and not to use it as a crutch or an excuse for what we've turned into.
It's because of the relationship that I had with my mother when she was alive that I don't know how to deal with my feelings towards her now. I've said this before, and I'll say it again (countless times I'm sure) I'm eternally grateful for the day I spent with her, the day she died. I broke some serious laws that day, trying to get from Barrie to Bobcaygeon when the nursing home called me saying that my mom wasn't doing well, and that it was best I get there ASAP. Those who know me, know I have a lead foot. Well, it came in handy that day. I already had the story set in my head for when the cops would pull me over (and surprisingly enough, they didn't). I think I got to Bobcaygeon in less than 2 hours from the time I got the call, called work, picked up my son and packed a bag for us.
Days before, I had to make the choice as to whether or not to continue with the dialysis. I had talked to her before that, asking her what she wanted. She had told me that so long as she was able to make the decision she wanted to continue. But should the time come when it wasn't beneficial for her to continue, and/or should she be unable to make that call - it was up to me. I told her that when it gets to that point, I was going to ask them to stop. She agreed with me. When I arrived that day, she was unresponsive. It was what I had expected, but all the same - it was so real. It was happening and there was nothing I could do at this point. My grandmother was there, and so was my brother, Chris and my son. We were with her, together, for a couple of hours, and then they all left to go back to my grandmothers. I stayed with my mom. I had my mp3 player with me, and played her favorite music for her. I took the opportunity to talk to her. I told her that it no longer mattered what happened in the past and that I forgave her for all that had happened. I also asked for her forgiveness. I had been so angry with her for so many years - I wanted her to forgive me for that anger. I know my anger was warranted, but at the point we were both at during that last day together - it really didn't matter. I really don't know if she forgave me, but I hope that she heard what I had to say, and I hope that she passed on knowing that it was all in the past, and that I loved her.
That very night, after I had left - she died. I really didn't expect the emotions that hit me. They still hit me from time-to-time. But I'm so grateful for them. It's because I had that one last chance with her that I can feel these emotions. I'm no longer angry with her, or bitter over how I grew up. I do wish that we could have had this breakthrough before she died - but it happened nonetheless.
I planned the memorial service, and dealt with the funeral home. My family helped with the 'social' part of it. The church wasn't too keen to allow me to play Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' as people left the service in honour of my mother. To be honest, it really annoyed me. BUT, when we buried her with my Aunt Connie (mom was cremated) I had Led Zeppelin playing in the cemetery for her. It was the least I could do. I also picked out a marker for both my aunt and my mother - I'm realizing now, I need to get up to Norland to get a picture of it!
It's when I'm listening to music she loved, Spring days - when everything is in bloom - or on Autumn days when the leaves are at their most beautiful and the smell of Fall is upon us... Christmas - with all the decorations and the music... she is in my thoughts and it's during those times I really miss her. I know in some ways, I'm a lot like her. I draw - been told I'm talented, but I'm no-where near the talent she was; I have the same insane love for music that she did. I'll never be the same Christmas looney she was, but I do like to put the tree up ASAP, and have the music going (as soon as Halloween is over) - I get that from her. I'm sad that she wont get to know my incredible son - and to see the little nut that he's becoming. Maybe she's watching us from up in Heaven, with my grampa and my aunt - keeping an eye on all of us.
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but in our case we're nuts!
Rewind...
Jan/07 - I broke my foot (and was subsequently off work for 3 mo's); and my Aunt Connie died just days after that.
May/07 - Kicked my husband out (Just as I was starting back to work)
Sept/07 - My mom died at the age of 53, and I officially moved on from my failed marriage
Jan/08 - Sold the matrimonial home and bought my own home for Gabriel and I
Sept/08 - My Aunt Charlene died
Jan/09 - My Grandpa Brohm died
It's so weird when I look back... I have to wonder, how in the Hell did I keep all my hair and not go nuts. I mean, when you factor in all the emotional heartache from a death in the family, let alone four deaths, and then a failed marriage, and the struggle to keep me together for my son - Good God!! It's truly insane. Then I think about that saying "God gives you only what you can handle". I think He thinks too highly of me, personally. However, it was also during this time, that I met my best friend. So, I guess in some ways it balanced out.
Fast forward to now, tho. Off work for over 6 mo's due to a back injury; having to get back on my feet both literally and financially. Really, is this so bad?? I think not. I seem to go in cycles - with all the crap that keeps happening. It seems to be about every 3-4 years. However, this time around, I have a wonderful man, Bola - to help me shoulder my stress and anxiety.
It's also one of those strange years for me, more or less in relation to my mom. I've never really missed her - not since I was a little girl. This past birthday, my 33rd, I REALLY missed her. Couldn't tell you why, either. I'd gotten a note on FB from a friend of hers, who is also a cousin once or twice removed. She was wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me how she remembers my mom bringing me home, and how she was one of the first to see me.
 |
| One of the first pics of me and my mom. ~1977 |
Mom was a flashy woman, who had an eye for glam. Her nails were always done, always wearing her trademark 'door knocker' earrings (lol) and she was always done up with make up. She knew how to put herself together. She had such incredible talent - an amazing artist. She met people like Andy Donato, Ben Wicks, Lynn Johnston - was even offered a job with Walt Disney at some point. Her taste in music was impeccable. I have to admit, that is one thing I'm truly grateful for - the music. She'd be shaking the house with Led Zeppelin, CCR, Pink Floyd, The Doobie Brothers... and countless others. Other times, she'd be listening to the sometimes softer, but equally incredible Elton John, Billy Joel or Stevie Wonder. God - I love that music, and all cause of her.
As I said, I grew up fast. Especially after my parents split. The way I had to grow up was the foundation for the parent I am today. So much of what I saw and experienced was far from appropriate - but, again - it's made me who I am today, good or bad. I know as adults we look back, and can relate to the children we were, and how we don't want to repeat our parents 'mistakes'. I guess so long as we learn and grow from it, that's what's important - and not to use it as a crutch or an excuse for what we've turned into.
It's because of the relationship that I had with my mother when she was alive that I don't know how to deal with my feelings towards her now. I've said this before, and I'll say it again (countless times I'm sure) I'm eternally grateful for the day I spent with her, the day she died. I broke some serious laws that day, trying to get from Barrie to Bobcaygeon when the nursing home called me saying that my mom wasn't doing well, and that it was best I get there ASAP. Those who know me, know I have a lead foot. Well, it came in handy that day. I already had the story set in my head for when the cops would pull me over (and surprisingly enough, they didn't). I think I got to Bobcaygeon in less than 2 hours from the time I got the call, called work, picked up my son and packed a bag for us.
Days before, I had to make the choice as to whether or not to continue with the dialysis. I had talked to her before that, asking her what she wanted. She had told me that so long as she was able to make the decision she wanted to continue. But should the time come when it wasn't beneficial for her to continue, and/or should she be unable to make that call - it was up to me. I told her that when it gets to that point, I was going to ask them to stop. She agreed with me. When I arrived that day, she was unresponsive. It was what I had expected, but all the same - it was so real. It was happening and there was nothing I could do at this point. My grandmother was there, and so was my brother, Chris and my son. We were with her, together, for a couple of hours, and then they all left to go back to my grandmothers. I stayed with my mom. I had my mp3 player with me, and played her favorite music for her. I took the opportunity to talk to her. I told her that it no longer mattered what happened in the past and that I forgave her for all that had happened. I also asked for her forgiveness. I had been so angry with her for so many years - I wanted her to forgive me for that anger. I know my anger was warranted, but at the point we were both at during that last day together - it really didn't matter. I really don't know if she forgave me, but I hope that she heard what I had to say, and I hope that she passed on knowing that it was all in the past, and that I loved her.
That very night, after I had left - she died. I really didn't expect the emotions that hit me. They still hit me from time-to-time. But I'm so grateful for them. It's because I had that one last chance with her that I can feel these emotions. I'm no longer angry with her, or bitter over how I grew up. I do wish that we could have had this breakthrough before she died - but it happened nonetheless.
I planned the memorial service, and dealt with the funeral home. My family helped with the 'social' part of it. The church wasn't too keen to allow me to play Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' as people left the service in honour of my mother. To be honest, it really annoyed me. BUT, when we buried her with my Aunt Connie (mom was cremated) I had Led Zeppelin playing in the cemetery for her. It was the least I could do. I also picked out a marker for both my aunt and my mother - I'm realizing now, I need to get up to Norland to get a picture of it!
It's when I'm listening to music she loved, Spring days - when everything is in bloom - or on Autumn days when the leaves are at their most beautiful and the smell of Fall is upon us... Christmas - with all the decorations and the music... she is in my thoughts and it's during those times I really miss her. I know in some ways, I'm a lot like her. I draw - been told I'm talented, but I'm no-where near the talent she was; I have the same insane love for music that she did. I'll never be the same Christmas looney she was, but I do like to put the tree up ASAP, and have the music going (as soon as Halloween is over) - I get that from her. I'm sad that she wont get to know my incredible son - and to see the little nut that he's becoming. Maybe she's watching us from up in Heaven, with my grampa and my aunt - keeping an eye on all of us.
They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but in our case we're nuts!
 |
| L'il Suzie - one of my faves!! |
Monday, April 4, 2011
Pain in the Ass #6 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...
Reflections...
Don't think for a moment that I'm not fully aware of how whiny and bitchy my blogs can be. It seems it's all I ever do any more. However, I do have some really wonderful things in my life, all of which I'm so utterly grateful for, and completely indebted to God for.
For starters, how about that wonderful son of mine?? I swear, there are days where I look at him and think "He's mine, and I love him!". There are days where I look at him and think "If he doesn't stop doing that, and start listening, I'm going to stick a sign on him saying 'free to a good home; comes with all toys, clothes and is potty trained' ". There are also days where I look at him, and I can't help but to think "HE'S MINE!!! I AM SO UTTERLY, COMPLETELY AND HELPLESSLY IN LOVE WITH THIS KID!!! AND, I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM"... and usually that one is followed with me grabbing his little body and hugging him and kissing him way past the point of him doing the cat-caught-by-Pepè le pew act of pushing me away. He is the most incredible kid (and I know I'm biased - I am his mom, of course) and I am the most lucky mom in the entire world to have this kid with me, in my life. I wasn't supposed to have children according to my doctor. Was told I shouldn't have children cause of my diabetes, and the strain on my kidneys (no, not quite as bad as Julia Roberts in 'Steel Magnolias'). And my husband, after we got married decided he didn't want kids. It seemed as though I just wasn't going to have a baby. Then one night, we found out that I was pregnant, and my little miracle, Gabriel, came to be. God, I love that kid. 'Thank you for him. Thank you so very much - there isn't anything I can ever do to show you my gratitude for his existence.' Have I mentioned how awesome my son is???
Then there are my grandparents. My grandmother and I, haven't always seen eye-to-eye. In fact there was a point, I didn't really like her much. She's a very controlling woman, who's point of view is/was "Do it the way I tell you, when I tell you, or ..." well, you don't want me to finish that sentence. But when I got older, I understood why she's like that. She had a HORRIBLE childhood. She might not always show it in the conventional, non-neurotic way - but she loves her family to a fault. She goes way over board to protect and to ensure that you do what you need to do, be prepared and educated, able to contribute to society and to not have 'crutches' or 'excuses' why you can't do something. It's her opinion, that there is no reason not to do, and certainly no reason (short of physical limitations and/or death) to not at least try. She is a very particular woman (I can't even make comments, as I'm OCD - pot calling the kettle black, etc...) Back to my point though - she wants to make sure her 'kin are cared for, and doesn't want them to have the life she had. She wants us to have a better life, with ample opportunities. She loves us. She's not always able to show it, or say it - but when she does, it means the entire world to me. I know for a fact that she feels guilty for how I grew up with my mother (another long story). It pains me that she feels that way, but it's not something I can take from her, no matter what I say.
My grandfather has been dead for a couple of years now. I miss him more than anything I could ever imagine. He was, and still is quite frankly, the greatest man who ever existed. God, how I miss him. He was always there for me, in my corner. Being the voice of reason when my grandma and I would clash. He was the one who said on countless occasions "Irene, she's just a girl. Let it be." I remember him telling me I was his favorite (of course, I'm sure he told all of us that). I remember him telling me how proud he was of me, for what I'd accomplished. I remember how that felt - how insanely proud that made me, to know that he felt that way about me. I also remember the afternoons, when he'd be watching something like the Bugs Bunny cartoons (he LOVED Foghorn Leghorn), Benny Hill, or Red Skelton (Guzzler's Gin - another favorite). He'd be laughing SO hard, that he'd cry; I still remember him fixing the comb over he so lovingly tended to, slapping his knee, and just laughing at the 'stupid ass' on the TV set. I remember the smell of the barn on him. To others, you may cringe at this - but it was a smell I actually loved. It was how he smelled most of the time as he was a farmer, on top of everything else he did, day-to-day. I miss his big hands, so rough and dry - but they were working hands, his hands. But I also remember how the Alzheimer's took him away from us. It slowly erased the stories he had of his family coming to Canada from Germany, 3 generations before; took away the memories he had of his immediate family - causing him to forget that both his parents had died many years ago; causing him to no longer recognize his family - the people that adored him.
There were a few funny things about the Alzheimer's... for instance, before he got really bad, and while he still knew who my grandma was - he was affectionate with her in front of me. Coming up to her and hugging her, and giving her kisses. It was a side of them I'd never seen before. He'd 'regressed' to his younger days, I'm guessing, and although he saw an older version of his young love before him - he still saw the woman that he loved for many, many years. I feel so blessed to have seen that.
He no longer held his tongue. The man I remember was VERY diplomatic. Never heard a foul word from his mouth. That being said, I'm sure he reserved that for the men that worked with him, and kept that part of him from his grandchildren. There were times that we feared he'd say the wrong things at the worst time - but from what I recall, I don't think he ever said anything too bad to the 'right' people.
He also ate a peanut butter sandwich. For those who didn't know him - let me tell you this... when I was growing up, he shared with me stories of him growing up with his two brothers, and his parents. They were poor, and going thru The Great Depression. They practically lived on vats of peanut butter - somewhat healthy, and was what they could afford. He HATED that stuff, and swore he'd rather die than to eat that EVER again!! I was visiting him one day when he was in the nursing home. The PSW brought him a sandwich for a snack, and he started eating it. I couldn't help but notice the smell, and asked her what it was made of. She informed me that it was a PB & J sandwich. I almost fell off my chair as my grandpa exclaimed "Mmm...this is good!". I couldn't believe it. It was both funny and heartbreaking in a way as it was yet another sign that we were loosing him further. I still remember the day, where he'd had one of the last of his lucid moments, when I told him how much I missed him - he responded with "I miss me too". I leaned over, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him - to which I got an "I love you too, Ruthie"...and then he was 'gone'. He didn't know who I was after that.
I still remember the night he died. It was him, my grandma and me. It was an awful death. Not a peaceful one. As much as I hate the memory of how he died - I'm so very grateful to God, that I got to be there with him and my grandma during that time. It's a time I'll never give up, or regret. I got to be with my grandma as she watched her husband pass on to life in Heaven - to a life without that miserable disease that erased the man we all loved so much, and I got to say good bye to the most incredible man I will ever know. As sad as it all sounds - I wouldn't replace it. No matter how sad I am, thinking about life without my grampa - I have the memories, and I had the great fortune to have been someone he loved, and was proud of. I know he watches over me, and I really hope he's still proud of me. 'I hope you know how much I truly miss you, Grampa.'
Both my grandma and my grandpa were like parents to me; they cared for me and loved me. No matter how much we (grandma and I) drove each other nuts, I love that woman so much. I can't imagine my life without her...and to be honest, I dread the day she's gone. Cause then I'll kind of be on my own. Those two were the biggest influences in my life, and they were the two constants in my life - never changing. I am a lucky girl to have had people like Bob and Irene as parents/grandparents...even though, I didn't always see it that way when I was a teen.
I'm also very grateful for my life. I have an education, good work ethic and a lot of kick ass determination. I've worked hard to be where I am. I own my house, my car. I'm able to provide for my son and I. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm capable and a provider all the same. I have a wonderful man in my life right now, who I love. He's wonderful to me, to my son (my son loves him too). An awesome dad to his incredible little girl, Destiny (who I love and adore). I don't know what the future holds for me - no freakin' clue. What I can tell you tho, no matter what comes my way, I've got a lot to be grateful for; memories I wont give up without one Hell of a fight and some very important people in my corner rooting for me both here on earth, and I'm sure up in Heaven, too.
Don't think for a moment that I'm not fully aware of how whiny and bitchy my blogs can be. It seems it's all I ever do any more. However, I do have some really wonderful things in my life, all of which I'm so utterly grateful for, and completely indebted to God for.
For starters, how about that wonderful son of mine?? I swear, there are days where I look at him and think "He's mine, and I love him!". There are days where I look at him and think "If he doesn't stop doing that, and start listening, I'm going to stick a sign on him saying 'free to a good home; comes with all toys, clothes and is potty trained' ". There are also days where I look at him, and I can't help but to think "HE'S MINE!!! I AM SO UTTERLY, COMPLETELY AND HELPLESSLY IN LOVE WITH THIS KID!!! AND, I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM"... and usually that one is followed with me grabbing his little body and hugging him and kissing him way past the point of him doing the cat-caught-by-Pepè le pew act of pushing me away. He is the most incredible kid (and I know I'm biased - I am his mom, of course) and I am the most lucky mom in the entire world to have this kid with me, in my life. I wasn't supposed to have children according to my doctor. Was told I shouldn't have children cause of my diabetes, and the strain on my kidneys (no, not quite as bad as Julia Roberts in 'Steel Magnolias'). And my husband, after we got married decided he didn't want kids. It seemed as though I just wasn't going to have a baby. Then one night, we found out that I was pregnant, and my little miracle, Gabriel, came to be. God, I love that kid. 'Thank you for him. Thank you so very much - there isn't anything I can ever do to show you my gratitude for his existence.' Have I mentioned how awesome my son is???
Then there are my grandparents. My grandmother and I, haven't always seen eye-to-eye. In fact there was a point, I didn't really like her much. She's a very controlling woman, who's point of view is/was "Do it the way I tell you, when I tell you, or ..." well, you don't want me to finish that sentence. But when I got older, I understood why she's like that. She had a HORRIBLE childhood. She might not always show it in the conventional, non-neurotic way - but she loves her family to a fault. She goes way over board to protect and to ensure that you do what you need to do, be prepared and educated, able to contribute to society and to not have 'crutches' or 'excuses' why you can't do something. It's her opinion, that there is no reason not to do, and certainly no reason (short of physical limitations and/or death) to not at least try. She is a very particular woman (I can't even make comments, as I'm OCD - pot calling the kettle black, etc...) Back to my point though - she wants to make sure her 'kin are cared for, and doesn't want them to have the life she had. She wants us to have a better life, with ample opportunities. She loves us. She's not always able to show it, or say it - but when she does, it means the entire world to me. I know for a fact that she feels guilty for how I grew up with my mother (another long story). It pains me that she feels that way, but it's not something I can take from her, no matter what I say.
My grandfather has been dead for a couple of years now. I miss him more than anything I could ever imagine. He was, and still is quite frankly, the greatest man who ever existed. God, how I miss him. He was always there for me, in my corner. Being the voice of reason when my grandma and I would clash. He was the one who said on countless occasions "Irene, she's just a girl. Let it be." I remember him telling me I was his favorite (of course, I'm sure he told all of us that). I remember him telling me how proud he was of me, for what I'd accomplished. I remember how that felt - how insanely proud that made me, to know that he felt that way about me. I also remember the afternoons, when he'd be watching something like the Bugs Bunny cartoons (he LOVED Foghorn Leghorn), Benny Hill, or Red Skelton (Guzzler's Gin - another favorite). He'd be laughing SO hard, that he'd cry; I still remember him fixing the comb over he so lovingly tended to, slapping his knee, and just laughing at the 'stupid ass' on the TV set. I remember the smell of the barn on him. To others, you may cringe at this - but it was a smell I actually loved. It was how he smelled most of the time as he was a farmer, on top of everything else he did, day-to-day. I miss his big hands, so rough and dry - but they were working hands, his hands. But I also remember how the Alzheimer's took him away from us. It slowly erased the stories he had of his family coming to Canada from Germany, 3 generations before; took away the memories he had of his immediate family - causing him to forget that both his parents had died many years ago; causing him to no longer recognize his family - the people that adored him.
There were a few funny things about the Alzheimer's... for instance, before he got really bad, and while he still knew who my grandma was - he was affectionate with her in front of me. Coming up to her and hugging her, and giving her kisses. It was a side of them I'd never seen before. He'd 'regressed' to his younger days, I'm guessing, and although he saw an older version of his young love before him - he still saw the woman that he loved for many, many years. I feel so blessed to have seen that.
He no longer held his tongue. The man I remember was VERY diplomatic. Never heard a foul word from his mouth. That being said, I'm sure he reserved that for the men that worked with him, and kept that part of him from his grandchildren. There were times that we feared he'd say the wrong things at the worst time - but from what I recall, I don't think he ever said anything too bad to the 'right' people.
He also ate a peanut butter sandwich. For those who didn't know him - let me tell you this... when I was growing up, he shared with me stories of him growing up with his two brothers, and his parents. They were poor, and going thru The Great Depression. They practically lived on vats of peanut butter - somewhat healthy, and was what they could afford. He HATED that stuff, and swore he'd rather die than to eat that EVER again!! I was visiting him one day when he was in the nursing home. The PSW brought him a sandwich for a snack, and he started eating it. I couldn't help but notice the smell, and asked her what it was made of. She informed me that it was a PB & J sandwich. I almost fell off my chair as my grandpa exclaimed "Mmm...this is good!". I couldn't believe it. It was both funny and heartbreaking in a way as it was yet another sign that we were loosing him further. I still remember the day, where he'd had one of the last of his lucid moments, when I told him how much I missed him - he responded with "I miss me too". I leaned over, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him - to which I got an "I love you too, Ruthie"...and then he was 'gone'. He didn't know who I was after that.
I still remember the night he died. It was him, my grandma and me. It was an awful death. Not a peaceful one. As much as I hate the memory of how he died - I'm so very grateful to God, that I got to be there with him and my grandma during that time. It's a time I'll never give up, or regret. I got to be with my grandma as she watched her husband pass on to life in Heaven - to a life without that miserable disease that erased the man we all loved so much, and I got to say good bye to the most incredible man I will ever know. As sad as it all sounds - I wouldn't replace it. No matter how sad I am, thinking about life without my grampa - I have the memories, and I had the great fortune to have been someone he loved, and was proud of. I know he watches over me, and I really hope he's still proud of me. 'I hope you know how much I truly miss you, Grampa.'
Both my grandma and my grandpa were like parents to me; they cared for me and loved me. No matter how much we (grandma and I) drove each other nuts, I love that woman so much. I can't imagine my life without her...and to be honest, I dread the day she's gone. Cause then I'll kind of be on my own. Those two were the biggest influences in my life, and they were the two constants in my life - never changing. I am a lucky girl to have had people like Bob and Irene as parents/grandparents...even though, I didn't always see it that way when I was a teen.
I'm also very grateful for my life. I have an education, good work ethic and a lot of kick ass determination. I've worked hard to be where I am. I own my house, my car. I'm able to provide for my son and I. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm capable and a provider all the same. I have a wonderful man in my life right now, who I love. He's wonderful to me, to my son (my son loves him too). An awesome dad to his incredible little girl, Destiny (who I love and adore). I don't know what the future holds for me - no freakin' clue. What I can tell you tho, no matter what comes my way, I've got a lot to be grateful for; memories I wont give up without one Hell of a fight and some very important people in my corner rooting for me both here on earth, and I'm sure up in Heaven, too.
Pain in the Ass #5 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...
Ok. I can't take it any more. I have to purge, yet again, before I explode!!
Here goes. I'm dating this wonderful man. He's the kind of man that almost every woman dreams of having in their life. He's loving, kind, gentle, sweet and affectionate. He's a hard worker, good provider for his daughter (and at one point, his ex). He is active in his daughter's life - has 50-50 custody with his ex and does whatever he can for his daughter AND wouldn't hesitate to have her with him full time. This man even combs her massive fro of hair and does his daughter's braids!! He's not afraid to do things with her, that other men would balk at. He's a better male role model to my son than his own father is. He's not controlling, manipulative; he doesn't lie to me, does not hit me - respects me, supports me emotionally and is always there to talk and put up with my neurotic behaviour. For those who know me really well, know that isn't an easy thing to do! He is always doing nice things for me; going out of his way to prove himself a worthy part of my life (which is totally unnecessary, given that I'm more than easy to please, and considering what I was married to - well, let's just say - this man has nothing to prove!!).
This ex of his has this miserable attitude that makes me want to punch her in the face. She's belligerent, disrespectful of him, undermines him with their daughter and terribly demanding for all the wrong things. She can't even ask nicely for something - total lack of manners, and couth. She also has the audacity to act as though she's been done wrong, when she's the one who's in the wrong. She lied, disrespected him, passed all responsibility on to him, was lazy - didn't appreciate a damn thing he did for her. And on top of that, cleaned out all of their daughter's things leaving him to start over from scratch, and left with their daughter - telling him that she wanted to have a 60/40 split (her having 60% would allow her FULL child support), accusing him of being controlling, manipulative and abusive - and that there was nothing he could do. She's irresponsible with her money and her responsibilities. She's the 'ultimate queen' who is lazy and childish.
This 'woman' has threatened him in every way possible, accused him of things that I refuse to believe he is capable of, and is doing everything in her power to destroy this good man; not caring that in doing so she is ultimately hurting their daughter far more than anyone else.
Women like this PISS ME OFF!! I don't understand where these women get off!?!? I was in an abusive relationship, he lied, he cheated, he was an addict. I was disrespected and I put up with a lot of crap. BUT... the difference is - I made sure my son was cared for (as does my ex, I will give him that credit - he's never missed a child support payment EVER), got my shit together, made sure that we got out of that situation and have never looked back. I have NEVER claimed to be a victim of anything. Been through a plethora of emotions and feelings since my marriage ended. I went to an addiction counsellor, went to addiction support groups for spouses, and went to a therapist as well cause of all that went on in my marriage. But I have never acted a victim, when in fact I could pull out all the stops and milk it for all it's worth.
Instead, I moved on, sought help to get my self back on track emotionally; bought my house (on my own), and started our new lives over again for the better. My ex and I are not friends. Nor do I think we ever will be. I know he doesn't like me much, and quite frankly I'm not a huge fan of him either. I haven't ever threatened my ex with anything - never kept him from our son. In fact, there have been times where I have cancelled things so that G could see his dad. I'm not looking for a medal - just saying that I love my son more than anything else in this entire world, and would do anything that would make him happy. I will never keep him from his dad, no matter what. As for my ex, I do truly hope he has learned from our failed marriage, and I do honestly wish him all the best in the future. I also hope that he will be the father to our son that G deserves.
I realize that in my defending this man, you might ask - "What makes you think he isn't capable of the things he's been accused of? What makes you any better than this ex who is saying these horrible things?". Well, for starters, it's the truth. I have people who can vouch for things that went on in my marriage, including confessions from people involved in certain things. I'm also a firm believer, that when you get out of an abusive relationship - you can go one of two ways. You can be the woman who has actually learned from this awful experience and in doing so, learn your value and self worth. By doing this - you pretty much can rest assured, you're not going to fall into that trap ever again. Then there's the woman who keeps running back to the same type of men over and over and over - never learning her lesson, much less her value and self worth. I am the first of these two women. I know that I am worthy and I know I have value! I have spent A LOT of time with this man, and I believe that he isn't the 'monster' she claims him to be. I know he isn't perfect, in fact, he's far from it. I know, and he will agree, he played a part in the poor relationship that he had with this woman. He is not without fault. However, he is human. He is a good man. I personally believe that his biggest fault at that time was that he was TOO good to her, and that he allowed a lot of bad behaviour to happen, and therefore gave her certain expectations of how things 'should' be.
So, again I ask - what is it with these "queens"?? I am so sick and bloody tired of these spoiled rotten little bitches causing so much grief and heartache to all those around them, especially their children. Why is it that they are so bloody intent on destroying others??? Trust me, I realize that there are men out there, that are just as bad as women. I don't believe that one sex is better than the other - quite frankly, people in general suck. I just don't get it, and honestly, likely never will. I know that there are a lot of 'words' in this rant, but I can assure you, I can't fully express how mad women like this make me, and I really can't get over how angry I am. Words just can't express... believe it or not.
Here goes. I'm dating this wonderful man. He's the kind of man that almost every woman dreams of having in their life. He's loving, kind, gentle, sweet and affectionate. He's a hard worker, good provider for his daughter (and at one point, his ex). He is active in his daughter's life - has 50-50 custody with his ex and does whatever he can for his daughter AND wouldn't hesitate to have her with him full time. This man even combs her massive fro of hair and does his daughter's braids!! He's not afraid to do things with her, that other men would balk at. He's a better male role model to my son than his own father is. He's not controlling, manipulative; he doesn't lie to me, does not hit me - respects me, supports me emotionally and is always there to talk and put up with my neurotic behaviour. For those who know me really well, know that isn't an easy thing to do! He is always doing nice things for me; going out of his way to prove himself a worthy part of my life (which is totally unnecessary, given that I'm more than easy to please, and considering what I was married to - well, let's just say - this man has nothing to prove!!).
This ex of his has this miserable attitude that makes me want to punch her in the face. She's belligerent, disrespectful of him, undermines him with their daughter and terribly demanding for all the wrong things. She can't even ask nicely for something - total lack of manners, and couth. She also has the audacity to act as though she's been done wrong, when she's the one who's in the wrong. She lied, disrespected him, passed all responsibility on to him, was lazy - didn't appreciate a damn thing he did for her. And on top of that, cleaned out all of their daughter's things leaving him to start over from scratch, and left with their daughter - telling him that she wanted to have a 60/40 split (her having 60% would allow her FULL child support), accusing him of being controlling, manipulative and abusive - and that there was nothing he could do. She's irresponsible with her money and her responsibilities. She's the 'ultimate queen' who is lazy and childish.
This 'woman' has threatened him in every way possible, accused him of things that I refuse to believe he is capable of, and is doing everything in her power to destroy this good man; not caring that in doing so she is ultimately hurting their daughter far more than anyone else.
Women like this PISS ME OFF!! I don't understand where these women get off!?!? I was in an abusive relationship, he lied, he cheated, he was an addict. I was disrespected and I put up with a lot of crap. BUT... the difference is - I made sure my son was cared for (as does my ex, I will give him that credit - he's never missed a child support payment EVER), got my shit together, made sure that we got out of that situation and have never looked back. I have NEVER claimed to be a victim of anything. Been through a plethora of emotions and feelings since my marriage ended. I went to an addiction counsellor, went to addiction support groups for spouses, and went to a therapist as well cause of all that went on in my marriage. But I have never acted a victim, when in fact I could pull out all the stops and milk it for all it's worth.
Instead, I moved on, sought help to get my self back on track emotionally; bought my house (on my own), and started our new lives over again for the better. My ex and I are not friends. Nor do I think we ever will be. I know he doesn't like me much, and quite frankly I'm not a huge fan of him either. I haven't ever threatened my ex with anything - never kept him from our son. In fact, there have been times where I have cancelled things so that G could see his dad. I'm not looking for a medal - just saying that I love my son more than anything else in this entire world, and would do anything that would make him happy. I will never keep him from his dad, no matter what. As for my ex, I do truly hope he has learned from our failed marriage, and I do honestly wish him all the best in the future. I also hope that he will be the father to our son that G deserves.
I realize that in my defending this man, you might ask - "What makes you think he isn't capable of the things he's been accused of? What makes you any better than this ex who is saying these horrible things?". Well, for starters, it's the truth. I have people who can vouch for things that went on in my marriage, including confessions from people involved in certain things. I'm also a firm believer, that when you get out of an abusive relationship - you can go one of two ways. You can be the woman who has actually learned from this awful experience and in doing so, learn your value and self worth. By doing this - you pretty much can rest assured, you're not going to fall into that trap ever again. Then there's the woman who keeps running back to the same type of men over and over and over - never learning her lesson, much less her value and self worth. I am the first of these two women. I know that I am worthy and I know I have value! I have spent A LOT of time with this man, and I believe that he isn't the 'monster' she claims him to be. I know he isn't perfect, in fact, he's far from it. I know, and he will agree, he played a part in the poor relationship that he had with this woman. He is not without fault. However, he is human. He is a good man. I personally believe that his biggest fault at that time was that he was TOO good to her, and that he allowed a lot of bad behaviour to happen, and therefore gave her certain expectations of how things 'should' be.
So, again I ask - what is it with these "queens"?? I am so sick and bloody tired of these spoiled rotten little bitches causing so much grief and heartache to all those around them, especially their children. Why is it that they are so bloody intent on destroying others??? Trust me, I realize that there are men out there, that are just as bad as women. I don't believe that one sex is better than the other - quite frankly, people in general suck. I just don't get it, and honestly, likely never will. I know that there are a lot of 'words' in this rant, but I can assure you, I can't fully express how mad women like this make me, and I really can't get over how angry I am. Words just can't express... believe it or not.
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