In the works...Pt 2

It's true that in life we're always learning.  My list of things to learn never gets shorter, but only gets longer.  Honestly, that isn't a bad thing.  I like to learn.  Normally, I pick up on things quickly, and with time I grow confident in my new ability/skill.  But when it comes to being a parent - OMG - I never EVER feel confident in anything that I do.  Ok, well maybe that's not entirely true.  I know I'm a good mom.  I know that I have a wonderful child. I also know that it does have a lot to do with how I take care of him, and the things I've taught him.  But knowing that, doesn't erase the second guessing that I'm always doing in relation to him.  "Was I too harsh tonight?", "Should I cut him some slack?", " Is he going to grow into a person I'm going to continue being proud of?", "Am I gonna screw him up beyond belief????", "Is he going to feel about me the way I feel about my mother and my father??". 

Those questions are always up there in my head, and each time we have an argument it seems to be at the worst time - before he goes to his dad's for the weekend, before he goes to school, things like that.  It's a constant fight to keep my sanity, and to stay ahead of him - keep my control of the situation.

I need to learn how to just breathe.  To pick my battles - I'm OCD (yes, I'm medicated) and for me to just 'breath, relax and pick my battles' is a battle in and of itself. Kinda funny when you think of it, no??

My kid is so amazing.  I know all parents say this - and maybe it's true... My kid is intelligent, creative, witty, and a little too charming for my liking.  He's got this mojo thing happnin' with the ladies and honestly, it worries the Hell out of me.  He's got a harem of sorts at school, and I find it incredible that these girls flock to him and hover.  I wish I could see what they see sometimes - I see one side of him.  But when he's around his friends, he's this whole other kid that I don't know.  And it makes me wonder about this charm and affect he has on people.  I'm kinda proud, but in awe too.  Where did this come from exactly?? His dad is a charmer too.  I wont lie.  Before my marriage went to Hell with his father, there were good things - and I did love him.  I can tell you this much - he didn't get any charm from me.  I'm not that charming.  I just ride on my good looks to get me by (did you keep a straight face reading that??? cause I certainly struggled to even type that).  He did get my weird sense of humour, my love of drawing and reading. He still doesn't totally get my music - but I'm working on him.  It's a chore, lemme tell you. The kid doesn't like Metallica, doesn't 'get' Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd - BUT, he likes Queen.  He does enjoy Jazz, and the retro 80's music (that he refers to as the old stuff I listened to a long time ago when I was a kid...sooo many years ago *sigh*).  **Side note: Apparently 33 is really old.  When did it become OLD??

Clearly, with the kind of kid he is I'm doing something good, something right.  My ex's father even told me tonight that I'm doing a good job, and that I have a right to be proud of the kid G is.  And proud I am.  No matter how wonderful he is - he drives me insane.  He's The World's Most Rottenest-Awesomest Kid, and I love him more than life itself.  I hope that someday I can just sit back and relax - be proud, and just breathe...knowing that I did good with this runt.  Knowing I did something good, something right. 

....who am I kidding?? I know me well enough to know that I'm never going to relax.  But I have enough faith in me to know that I'm gonna give it my all to do the best I can.  That's all anyone can expect.  I also need to have faith in him.  Faith that he's going to take that which I've taught him (either by my example, nagging or literally shoving it down his throat gall-dammit!!) and do the things he bloody well better do or else I'm gonna beat him down needs to do.  I gotta learn how to have faith... cause learning to relax sure as Hell ain't gonna happen! 

*Question - Am I the only freak (and yes, I know I'm a special kind of freak - OH so very special) that feels like this?? It's OK to lie to me and tell me that I'm not alone... Really, it is... I'm also in the process of learning to take criticism well.  Did I mention that I like to learn??