WARNING: The following blog is full of frustration and A LOT of bitching and whining. Reader's discretion is advised...it's also kind of all over the place - so please forgive me...
I've been avoiding this blog. I've been so frustrated, annoyed, sore and tired. I've been reluctant to write in my blog cause I didn't want to complain. Tired of being whiny. UGH. BUT... seeing as this is supposed to be 'therapeutic' and a way for me to release crap inside of me... I figured I'd better purge and get it over with.
It's been one of those things - this pain I've been dealing with. I try so hard to focus on other things; to occupy my time with things that will get my mind off of it. My entire life is consumed with it. DAMN!! As an RN, I have studied how pain affects people; I've seen people suffer from chronic pain and I've also helped them deal with it; either by going to tried and true methods, or researching on their behalf and bugging the doc's until they listen. And until the other day, I never really considered myself to be one that 'suffers from chronic pain'. However, while doing some reading about pain and its effects - I've come to discover that I fall into that category.
I find my moods to be really awful; the filter from my brain to my mouth seems to have disappeared - not entirely sure where it went, to be honest. I'm bored, restless, fidgety, easily annoyed (yes, more than usual =^P ) did I mention bored, restless and fidgety?? I find myself seriously annoyed with people who tell me "it could be worse", or they've been through worse, to focus on the positive, cause their life is so much worse, or they know what I'm going through, when really - they don't have a clue. It's just like the OCD. I've had countless people say that they have OCD too, when in fact they don't. Being organized and particular about how you do things is VERY different than OCD. Trust me. I wish I was just organized and particular. That would be a breeze compared to what goes on inside my brain. I'm not trying to put others down, or to make other people feel bad. Just doing my purge before I explode. These days, it really doesn't take much to push me to the point of detonation.
**Side note: " I know what you're going thru..." That's actually one of the reasons I became a nurse. I know what it's like to be sick, poked and prodded; to be stuck in a hospital for days and days, and sometimes weeks; know what it's like to be the patient - and I was SO TIRED of nurses/doctors telling me they knew what I was going thru, when all they had at their disposal was book knowledge. I have tried so hard not to be one of those professionals that says that fateful line... cause all it does is annoy those who are suffering - a slap in the face, if you will, even though it's meant to be a term of encouragement**
According to Science Daily, people with unrelenting pain don't only suffer from the non-stop sensation of throbbing pain. They also have trouble sleeping, are often depressed, anxious and even have difficulty making simple decisions. Subsequent changes in wiring in the brain may make it harder for you to make a decision or be in a good mood to get up in the morning. It could be that pain produces depression and the other reported abnormalities because it disturbs the balance of the brain as a whole. In a healthy (pain free) brain all the regions exist in a state of equilibrium. When one region is active, the others quiet down. But in people with chronic pain, a front region of the cortex mostly associated with emotion "never shuts up".
That is me in a nutshell. I'm not depressed tho - I'm frustrated. Beyond frustrated. Can't do simple things like cleaning my toilet, sweeping floors, washing dishes, laundry - groceries are a chore and typically by the time I get to my car, I'm in tears cause I hurt and am so bloody frustrated with my stupid back. Add to that, being cooped up in my house almost all the time - I'm an active girl. Like to be outside going for a hike, bike ride, etc...I'm a girl who doesn't like to sit around and watch TV all the time. I'm the girl who gets it all done ASAP, doesn't waste time. I don't 'relax' all that well; my OCD doesn't help, granted - but I'm medicated for that, and thankfully the meds work.
When meds weren't involved, I warn you - it was a frenzy in my brain, and my household/life was even worse. I'd tear around the house - it was like a domino effect - me and my organizing/fixing things. I wouldn't rest till it was all done and my brain would accept it...should that ever happen. Pre-medication, there were nights I didn't sleep cause my brain wouldn't shut off and let me shut down cause there was something out of place which would in turn, start the domino effect again and again. It wasn't just limited to inside my home, but I struggled to keep my OCD under wraps in the outside world - until at last I accepted my doctors' offers of medication to get me and my OCD under control. I've never looked back. I'm not ashamed of it either - I've always viewed it as a productive 'disorder'. However, since my injury, I have been trying to manage my chores here at home and surprisingly enough, my OCD has mostly been under wraps (thank God for meds!!) I hate being unable to control things in my environment - that too is an issue with my OCD. It allows me some control, or at least, that's what my brain 'thinks' - I hate being dependent on others, and I hate feeling/being lazy.
Speaking of lazy - I've actually encountered someone (she was a friend - I was tired of her BS...and by the end of this, you'll maybe understand why I ended the friendship) who actually had the audacity to 'wish' she could injure herself at work, so that she didn't have to work. WTF?? She actually said this to me. She also said how lucky I was, and how I should appreciate what I had...specifically stating that I was lucky that I got to stay at home, and get paid for it no matter the pain I was in. I wanted to choke her. This is also the same person who uttered one day " You're lucky you have diabetes... cause your eye exams are free. That's so unfair that the rest of us have to pay for them!". That too, made me want to punch her in the face. While the diabetes thing is a little off topic - I'm sorry... I'd rather be diabetes free and pay for my eye exams - than have to face the complications of this disease, which I've had now for over 20 years.
I've been trying to see the bright side of all of this; trying to find the silver lining in my cloud. I often wonder if this is my wake-up call - should I do something else in nursing? Should I consider a different line of work? I also wonder if this is a life lesson for me. To take better care of my body; to be in better shape for the sake of my back. Ironic thing, tho - before my injury, I was working out, eating all my meals - losing weight and building muscle. Maybe I need to slow down, and pace myself more. To have a better appreciation of what chronic pain is - to make me that much more compassionate with my patients, to be empathetic with what they have to live with day after day. I've experienced pain before - but not like this. I was always able to treat the pain, short of my head aches due to too much fluid on my brain (something I've lived with since my early teens). This pain - just ain't going away!! I really do want to find something positive out of this. Cause I can assure you, I'm beyond tired of this.
After all my bitching, there is some good news. I finally got my appointment for my surgical consult down at Toronto Western. It's this coming Monday. I'm excited, anxious, nervous and down right scared. When this all started, and surgery was first brought up - I was dead set against surgery. Now that I've been like this for almost 6 mo's, surgery sounds great. To me (and I could be wrong) it's the best route to go, and means that I'll be better quicker and be back to life as I knew it - but better, bitchier (hehe) and stronger! ;^)
Fingers crossed they can fix me soon, and that in the meantime - I find the positive in this situation, and also learn from my situation. I refuse to believe that this is all for nothing, and that there isn't a lesson in it somewhere. In case anyone does actually read this massive bitch-fest, I wanted to say thanks for letting me vent and allowing me the freedom to speak my mind sans filter.
...and just to clarify, there were other reasons I ended the friendship mentioned in this blog... more or less endless fits of disrespect and immaturity. I got tired of it, and decided that I needed positive, respectful people in my life. I have a low tolerance for lazy, unmotivated people who judge others, and think they're above it all. I think we all go thru this in our lives...it's never ending, really. I know I'm a bitch, I know I'm impatient, and I know I tend to be a pain in the ass. But at least I'm upfront about it! I actually come with a warning label... ;^)
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