In the works...

I swear, one of these blogs, I'll have something positive and upbeat - maybe even something funny to share with all of you crickets... Instead this is another emotional thing that I can't get out of my head.  My hope is that in putting this on paper (so-to-speak) it will give me some release. 

OK.. so it goes like this.  I'm frantically trying to call my Gramma, and each time I call her, I either get sent to voicemail, or I just can't find her - can't reach her.  I'm so desperate to find her, cause I've been told that she has died, or that she's been dead for a while - and I want to prove that wrong. OR in the other dream, she is dead - and I'm losing my grip cause she's gone.

My Gramma lives about two hours away from me, and since my injury I haven't been able to get up to her as often as I'd like for financial reasons and cause it hurts - simply put.  Each time I see her, I make sure I tell her at least a dozen times, that I love her.  Each time that I call her, I tell her I love her and miss her.  I know realistically, that one day will be the last.  Normally, the thing to do is see her as much as I can - and seize the moment.  But due to my current situation I can't go up there as much as I want to - and I HATE that she isn't here in the same city as me.  She's currently on a wait list for a room here in Barrie in one of our nursing homes - but it ain't happening soon enough.

I know I sound like a super-over-emotional cry baby, who's focused on the negative.  I know that death is a natural part of life.  I'm an RN.  I've seen many people die right in front of me, I've been to more funerals than I can count.  I'm a realist.  I know it happens.  I've already lost a lot of people in my short life, than I care to admit. 

But to lose this woman - I can't even verbalize.  She is truly the only constant I have left in my life since it started.  The only source of security I have - my only parent left.  It's scary to be honest.  And when I reflect on the dreams - I can feel the grief, the pain, the hurt - the fear and the incredible loss that will be felt when she does leave this earth.  The only good thing that will come out of her passing, is that she wont be in pain anymore, she will be walking around again - up in Heaven with my Grampa, and all the loved ones that went before her.  She will be happy and at peace. 

My Gramma and Grampa (LONG) before they knew what they were in for...

I'm being silly, irrational and selfish.  But I love this woman more than anything else...short of my son. 

" Oh, Dear God - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Give me also the strength to not lose my mind and just chill day-to-day (when I can) or else I'm comin' up there to make things right!! "