In the works...Pt 3

So tired of how things have been.  I've let things get away from me and out of control.  But lately - for the first time in a year - I'm able to see ahead again.  That for me, is wonderful.

I've always been the person that looks ahead.  I know what I want.  I just need to figure out how to get it - and actually do it.  Usually takes a lot of work and sweat - and a whole lotta effort - but I do it.  Or rather did it. 

Almost a year ago (will be a year on Friday) I hurt my back at work.  I'm a I was a visiting nurse, and I hurt myself at a client's house.  I've come to the reality that I can't go back to what I was doing, unless work will accommodate my limitations.  I'm sure that they will to a degree, but I wont be happy with that, and honestly, wont be fair to my co-workers.  At least that's my opinion. 

With effort (a ton of effort and patience and a lot of help from Bola), and A LOT of rehab - I've been able to do a little bit of gardening again.  And up until that small slice of Heaven - I'd been wanting to just run and hide.  Actually thought about selling my house, and just taking off to Oro. (It's still a thought, tho... Always wanted to live there - get back to the "country" so-to-speak.  But that's not happnin' currently and I'm good with that. For now.)  Having some gardening done, and making a little improvement on my teeny house - has allowed me some freedom, and a lifting of the fog.  It's helped me to appreciate what I have, and what I've worked hard for up until now.

I'm looking to the future - not just personally but professionally.  It's exciting for me, as I've been incapable of that for almost a year.  But Goddamn it - it sure as Hell is scary!! My future isn't clear at this point - and my "forecast" is cloudy, not at all clear like it used to be.  But it's a start, right??

Here's to the future... Here's to some new beginnings... And monetary donations are welcome to support my new impending hobby, drinking... As I'm sure I'm gonna take that up to deal with the stress of said new beginnings.  People like me, don't do well with change...sometimes...kinda sorta.  Have I mentioned I'm OCD.  And likely, mentally ill?? 

In the works...Pt 2

It's true that in life we're always learning.  My list of things to learn never gets shorter, but only gets longer.  Honestly, that isn't a bad thing.  I like to learn.  Normally, I pick up on things quickly, and with time I grow confident in my new ability/skill.  But when it comes to being a parent - OMG - I never EVER feel confident in anything that I do.  Ok, well maybe that's not entirely true.  I know I'm a good mom.  I know that I have a wonderful child. I also know that it does have a lot to do with how I take care of him, and the things I've taught him.  But knowing that, doesn't erase the second guessing that I'm always doing in relation to him.  "Was I too harsh tonight?", "Should I cut him some slack?", " Is he going to grow into a person I'm going to continue being proud of?", "Am I gonna screw him up beyond belief????", "Is he going to feel about me the way I feel about my mother and my father??". 

Those questions are always up there in my head, and each time we have an argument it seems to be at the worst time - before he goes to his dad's for the weekend, before he goes to school, things like that.  It's a constant fight to keep my sanity, and to stay ahead of him - keep my control of the situation.

I need to learn how to just breathe.  To pick my battles - I'm OCD (yes, I'm medicated) and for me to just 'breath, relax and pick my battles' is a battle in and of itself. Kinda funny when you think of it, no??

My kid is so amazing.  I know all parents say this - and maybe it's true... My kid is intelligent, creative, witty, and a little too charming for my liking.  He's got this mojo thing happnin' with the ladies and honestly, it worries the Hell out of me.  He's got a harem of sorts at school, and I find it incredible that these girls flock to him and hover.  I wish I could see what they see sometimes - I see one side of him.  But when he's around his friends, he's this whole other kid that I don't know.  And it makes me wonder about this charm and affect he has on people.  I'm kinda proud, but in awe too.  Where did this come from exactly?? His dad is a charmer too.  I wont lie.  Before my marriage went to Hell with his father, there were good things - and I did love him.  I can tell you this much - he didn't get any charm from me.  I'm not that charming.  I just ride on my good looks to get me by (did you keep a straight face reading that??? cause I certainly struggled to even type that).  He did get my weird sense of humour, my love of drawing and reading. He still doesn't totally get my music - but I'm working on him.  It's a chore, lemme tell you. The kid doesn't like Metallica, doesn't 'get' Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd - BUT, he likes Queen.  He does enjoy Jazz, and the retro 80's music (that he refers to as the old stuff I listened to a long time ago when I was a kid...sooo many years ago *sigh*).  **Side note: Apparently 33 is really old.  When did it become OLD??

Clearly, with the kind of kid he is I'm doing something good, something right.  My ex's father even told me tonight that I'm doing a good job, and that I have a right to be proud of the kid G is.  And proud I am.  No matter how wonderful he is - he drives me insane.  He's The World's Most Rottenest-Awesomest Kid, and I love him more than life itself.  I hope that someday I can just sit back and relax - be proud, and just breathe...knowing that I did good with this runt.  Knowing I did something good, something right. 

....who am I kidding?? I know me well enough to know that I'm never going to relax.  But I have enough faith in me to know that I'm gonna give it my all to do the best I can.  That's all anyone can expect.  I also need to have faith in him.  Faith that he's going to take that which I've taught him (either by my example, nagging or literally shoving it down his throat gall-dammit!!) and do the things he bloody well better do or else I'm gonna beat him down needs to do.  I gotta learn how to have faith... cause learning to relax sure as Hell ain't gonna happen! 

*Question - Am I the only freak (and yes, I know I'm a special kind of freak - OH so very special) that feels like this?? It's OK to lie to me and tell me that I'm not alone... Really, it is... I'm also in the process of learning to take criticism well.  Did I mention that I like to learn??

In the works...

I swear, one of these blogs, I'll have something positive and upbeat - maybe even something funny to share with all of you crickets... Instead this is another emotional thing that I can't get out of my head.  My hope is that in putting this on paper (so-to-speak) it will give me some release. 

OK.. so it goes like this.  I'm frantically trying to call my Gramma, and each time I call her, I either get sent to voicemail, or I just can't find her - can't reach her.  I'm so desperate to find her, cause I've been told that she has died, or that she's been dead for a while - and I want to prove that wrong. OR in the other dream, she is dead - and I'm losing my grip cause she's gone.

My Gramma lives about two hours away from me, and since my injury I haven't been able to get up to her as often as I'd like for financial reasons and cause it hurts - simply put.  Each time I see her, I make sure I tell her at least a dozen times, that I love her.  Each time that I call her, I tell her I love her and miss her.  I know realistically, that one day will be the last.  Normally, the thing to do is see her as much as I can - and seize the moment.  But due to my current situation I can't go up there as much as I want to - and I HATE that she isn't here in the same city as me.  She's currently on a wait list for a room here in Barrie in one of our nursing homes - but it ain't happening soon enough.

I know I sound like a super-over-emotional cry baby, who's focused on the negative.  I know that death is a natural part of life.  I'm an RN.  I've seen many people die right in front of me, I've been to more funerals than I can count.  I'm a realist.  I know it happens.  I've already lost a lot of people in my short life, than I care to admit. 

But to lose this woman - I can't even verbalize.  She is truly the only constant I have left in my life since it started.  The only source of security I have - my only parent left.  It's scary to be honest.  And when I reflect on the dreams - I can feel the grief, the pain, the hurt - the fear and the incredible loss that will be felt when she does leave this earth.  The only good thing that will come out of her passing, is that she wont be in pain anymore, she will be walking around again - up in Heaven with my Grampa, and all the loved ones that went before her.  She will be happy and at peace. 

My Gramma and Grampa (LONG) before they knew what they were in for...

I'm being silly, irrational and selfish.  But I love this woman more than anything else...short of my son. 

" Oh, Dear God - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Give me also the strength to not lose my mind and just chill day-to-day (when I can) or else I'm comin' up there to make things right!! "