This little light of mine...

I warn anyone who reads this - I'm annoyed right now. And I'm using this as my outlet. This may offend those whose views differ from mine, and I want to say right now - it is not my intention to offend. But this is my blog - and therefore, be forewarned.

Today I read an article in the Nat'l Post about a football player who openly practices what he preaches, and isn't ashamed of the fact that he's Christian. I am truly saddened by it for different reasons.

First - as I said in previous comments on said article - I don't agree with Christianity, religion or ANYTHING being shoved down anyone's throat. My common practice is - you ask, I tell. It's that simple. I try to be an accepting, tolerant person for the simple fact I do believe in the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  I am a believer. I do believe that in order for you to grace the pearly gates, you do have to believe. I believe in the word of God - meaning, that I believe in what He promises me; and I believe that Jesus died for my sins.

I'm not up for the debate as to what kind of God would let bad things happen to people, especially children, for the simple reason - I don't know why those things happen. I don't understand it personally, and quite frankly, the horrid and sickening things that happen to children break my heart, as I can't imagine the pain and suffering caused by such monstrous, inhumane circumstances. I don't know why natural disasters, such as Katrina and the like happen. I simply do not know. But, with all that said, I still believe.  What difference does it make to anyone that I believe in God? Does not believing make any of this easier to handle? To accept? To understand? I can't imagine that it is easy no matter what side of the fence you are on.

I will say this much tho, there is a song called "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". It talks about how He is our friend, how we can go to Him in prayer and lay it all out on the line - turn to Him for comfort and understanding. Like a friend or even a parent, He isn't necessarily going to shelter us; He's not going to make life easy for us. That's just not how life is - nor is it meant to be. Life is about learning, acceptance, and appreciating what we do have. It's about being good to each other - it's about trying to look out for one another. Life is about being responsible and taking responsibility - and not passing blame.  Honestly, would any of us learn anything, if it was all taken care of for us? Would we really benefit from that? No, we wouldn't. And as parents, and as friends that's what we teach/share with others.

I do agree tho, that Tim could have maybe handled it with a little more tact. BUT, again - if he was touting any other religion/belief/lifestyle, without a question - others would say that the responses his "beliefs" have brought on - were infringing on his rights and freedoms. I read a comment about how the fact that he (as well as other athletes) will take time to kneel in prayer on the field - apparently, it leaves his motives unclear and in question. And this brings me to the second reason - why is it - that I can't say I believe without backlash?? Why is it, that I can't be open, and be grateful to God in public?? Why is it OK for everyone else to be open about what they practice or believe in - but because I'm a Christian, I can't and I'm expected to keep it behind closed doors? Why is it that I'm told that I'm a hypocrite and that I'm offensive when I say I'm a Christian just because there are those that take things too far i.e. the right wings. Is that not discrimination? Bigotry?


It just makes me sad. Plain and simple. Again - I do apologize if I have offended anyone. I don't expect others to apologize for what they believe/practice, and I simply refuse to apologize for saying that I do believe.  

I appreciate all of my friends no matter how close, for respecting me and not bashing me for what I believe. I hope that you all feel the same about me - I respect all of my friends, no matter how we differ. And should anyone have read this, I appreciate that you took the time to do so.

K, I'm done... XO

I've been feeling so low lately.  I think mostly because of circumstances that surround me.  Some days it's easier to focus on all the wonderful things in my life - however there are a lot of days when I can't see the sun for all the clouds.

My biggest 'issue' right now, is ME.  I'm not what I was pre-injury.  I don't think the same, and I certainly don't feel the same.  I hate being limited - can't even describe how much. BUT I have been pushing myself, and working hard at returning to where I was pre-injury weight wise (I've gained about 30lbs over this last year) and ability wise. I think it's the same for most of us - we don't like change. Especially when initially, it isn't for the better.

I saw a quote today that really puts 'me' into perspective - "No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it". It honestly brought tears to my eyes - cause really - that's what a lot of people have been telling me. My pain doc keeps telling me that I'm in a marathon when it comes to my pain control. He keeps telling me I have to be patient. Let's face it, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I've been trying to accept that this crap with my back is most likely a lesson I HAVE to learn regarding patience. Before all this happened - I made it a point to NOT ask God for patience, due to that saying "Be careful what you ask God for... You just might get it".  I didn't want God to 'try' my patience in order to teach me/give me patience as I knew I wouldn't do so well in that 'course'.  Looks like He still got me anyways... Ha ha... Guess the joke is on me! ; )

But, really - it isn't a joke. It's a life lesson.  One that we all need to learn, and I'm no exception. When I look back at where I was a year ago - I have come so far.  I move better, have better ROM; I have an amazing PT who has been along side me most of this journey who encourages me, and a pain doc who gets it.  I still hurt every single day - but I need to figure out a way to work around that pain, and not let it get the best of me.  I need to some how tell it to F@CK OFF and learn how to live with it, and not let it get me.  It's a daily struggle. I wont lie - it's bloody hard. But, I'm a determined, ornery bitch and I'm going to get through this. I'm going to get where I want to be, where I NEED to be. I'm going to chose my path and not let it be decided for me.

As Nasim Hassan so adequately put it, "Don't chase happiness or wait for it to come to you. Create it. Bring more happiness to yourself and others by appreciating life and finding pleasure and joy in all things -- in your daily tasks, in nature, in animals, in people, in your work and everything you have."

So, from here forward I have many tasks ahead of me - I need to feel better emotionally, physically, and it's going to take A LOT of work.  I need to lose the weight I've gained, and I need to make me happy.  I'm the only one that can do this - and I'm the only one worth doing this for (aside from my son, of course).  And I'm somehow going to remind myself every single bloody day that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

My pledge to ME, today, is that I'm going to work hard at this. But I'm making it a somewhat public pledge (my limited public) cause I hate to fail where others may be watching (even though this is about me, and for me) - it's about being accountable, and honest. I'm going to weigh myself today (Oh dear God...) I'm going to take a picture of myself (Seriously???) and I'm going to do this at my current slow pace, on my own and with the help of my amazing PT, Alex - as I don't wanna hurt more than I do, and am determined to go forward, not backwards... I'm going to keep track of my progress and I'm going to be honest about it too. I might be able to fool y'all, but I can't fool me. I need to be accountable and I need to do this - cause I'm going to work on making me happy!!  

 

 I wanna be like this elephant - happy and with obvious pleasure on my face.  Just not as rotund!!