I've been feeling so low lately.  I think mostly because of circumstances that surround me.  Some days it's easier to focus on all the wonderful things in my life - however there are a lot of days when I can't see the sun for all the clouds.

My biggest 'issue' right now, is ME.  I'm not what I was pre-injury.  I don't think the same, and I certainly don't feel the same.  I hate being limited - can't even describe how much. BUT I have been pushing myself, and working hard at returning to where I was pre-injury weight wise (I've gained about 30lbs over this last year) and ability wise. I think it's the same for most of us - we don't like change. Especially when initially, it isn't for the better.

I saw a quote today that really puts 'me' into perspective - "No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it". It honestly brought tears to my eyes - cause really - that's what a lot of people have been telling me. My pain doc keeps telling me that I'm in a marathon when it comes to my pain control. He keeps telling me I have to be patient. Let's face it, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I've been trying to accept that this crap with my back is most likely a lesson I HAVE to learn regarding patience. Before all this happened - I made it a point to NOT ask God for patience, due to that saying "Be careful what you ask God for... You just might get it".  I didn't want God to 'try' my patience in order to teach me/give me patience as I knew I wouldn't do so well in that 'course'.  Looks like He still got me anyways... Ha ha... Guess the joke is on me! ; )

But, really - it isn't a joke. It's a life lesson.  One that we all need to learn, and I'm no exception. When I look back at where I was a year ago - I have come so far.  I move better, have better ROM; I have an amazing PT who has been along side me most of this journey who encourages me, and a pain doc who gets it.  I still hurt every single day - but I need to figure out a way to work around that pain, and not let it get the best of me.  I need to some how tell it to F@CK OFF and learn how to live with it, and not let it get me.  It's a daily struggle. I wont lie - it's bloody hard. But, I'm a determined, ornery bitch and I'm going to get through this. I'm going to get where I want to be, where I NEED to be. I'm going to chose my path and not let it be decided for me.

As Nasim Hassan so adequately put it, "Don't chase happiness or wait for it to come to you. Create it. Bring more happiness to yourself and others by appreciating life and finding pleasure and joy in all things -- in your daily tasks, in nature, in animals, in people, in your work and everything you have."

So, from here forward I have many tasks ahead of me - I need to feel better emotionally, physically, and it's going to take A LOT of work.  I need to lose the weight I've gained, and I need to make me happy.  I'm the only one that can do this - and I'm the only one worth doing this for (aside from my son, of course).  And I'm somehow going to remind myself every single bloody day that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

My pledge to ME, today, is that I'm going to work hard at this. But I'm making it a somewhat public pledge (my limited public) cause I hate to fail where others may be watching (even though this is about me, and for me) - it's about being accountable, and honest. I'm going to weigh myself today (Oh dear God...) I'm going to take a picture of myself (Seriously???) and I'm going to do this at my current slow pace, on my own and with the help of my amazing PT, Alex - as I don't wanna hurt more than I do, and am determined to go forward, not backwards... I'm going to keep track of my progress and I'm going to be honest about it too. I might be able to fool y'all, but I can't fool me. I need to be accountable and I need to do this - cause I'm going to work on making me happy!!  

 

 I wanna be like this elephant - happy and with obvious pleasure on my face.  Just not as rotund!!