Well, the last time I wrote here - I had the full intention of making it a regular thing. Thought it would be therapeutic - still think it might be. God knows, I need therapeutic - whether or not anyone reads this or not, really isn't the point.
Quite frankly, I feel bad for anyone who runs into me be it on FB, MSN, phone or face-to-face. Out of both concern and politeness people ask me on a daily basis how I'm doing. I wish to God I could come up with something witty and charming - instead my typical response is "Oh, about the same as before."
The last few days have been exceptionally trying and equally exhausting. Not only am I dealing with a back injury (which I've had for over 5 months now), but I'm a single mom of an 8 yr old boy - who's trying to keep her head above water financially, emotionally and in any way possible cause not only do I need to stay 'put together' for him, but for me too. I also have the misfortune of an ex who doesn't seem to understand how much his son truly misses him, and who seems to think he can treat me like crap when he sees fit.
However, add to my situation some sunshine. I am the OH SO BLOODY PROUD MOM of a FANTASTIC LITTLE BOY!! ..who I love more than life itself. Add to that a man who, for some ungodly reason loves me even though I'm currently broken and not really able to do much - throw on top of that my moods, and my inability to let go, and allow others to help me. Now add to that the fact that this man adores my son - and actually pays attention to him; even does stuff with him. Can't even say that about his dad, sadly.
I realize I'm getting off topic tho - kinda sorta... I need to find a silver lining in this cloud that hovers over my life at the moment. I've been told by different people that maybe this is God's way of making me slow down, to not let my OCD take over my life (and just to clarify, I'm not the door knob turning, light switch flicking, hand wringing OCD'r... I'm the pattern and 'numbers/counting' kind of OCD'r - meaning I'm typically really organized to the point of ... well, put it this way - I've been referred to as the Tazmanian Devil or a highly efficient tornado...) It's also been suggested that this is time being allotted to me to figure things out and decide what I really want to do with my life.
My chiropractor said to me today that I've been dealt a crappy hand; and friends of mine seem to agree. While I don't like the situation I'm in; absolutely HATE how dependent it's made me - hate how I feel day-to-day and how it's affecting my brain...I don't want to ever start thinking that Life has dealt me a crappy hand - it's then that I'm afraid I'll truly give into self pity and I don't want to do that. Especially when I've spent the last 10 years in nursing. I've seen people and families who have been dealt a truly horrid hand without any light or hope. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but it's the truth, and I at least have a light at the end of the tunnel... that seems too far away right now... but it's there all the same.
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