Both Tom Petty and Johnny Cash sang these words,
'Well I know what's right, I got just one life; in a world that keeps on pushin me around; but I'll stand my ground...and I won't back down'.
Today, more than ever these words speak to me. I know that likely sounds corny - but it's the truth.
I also got to thinking about something I said in a previous blog about how I never keep my ex from our son, and how I've even cancelled things so that he could see his dad. I sound like a pussy. Plain and simple. I sound like a push over. And that's what my ex preys on. Well, no more.
I'm tired of being pushed around and bullied. This here blog is my voice as of late, and I'm shouting out! No longer am I going to be bullied. No longer am I going to be pushed around or threatened. I wont be a bitch, no way! I wont be mean! I will continue to play fair as I have all along. BUT I'm not going to be the push over. I'm no longer going to go out of my way to allow access, and no longer going to cancel my plans to accommodate my ex.
I need to teach my son how to treat people, and how he needs to treat women. I want him to respect women, and to see that we're not the weaker of the species - that we are all supposed to be treated equal. He needs to see me stand up for myself and realize that in doing so, I'm standing up for him AND teaching him a life lesson at the same time.
He's been going on with this "treat others as you'd have them treat you" - but he's missing the point. He thinks that it means if someone does you wrong, then you do wrong to them. I'm trying to teach him that it's not that way at all. I try to tell him that you treat others as you want to be treated. I try to encourage him to take the higher road. I hope that he'll see what I struggle to do with his dad every encounter, in spite of how his father treats me. But at the same time, I don't want him thinking it's ok for his father to belittle me in front of him, or that it's ok to bully me. My son needs to know that it's not ok to treat others like that.
My fear tho, is that if I stand up to his father, and not do everything I can to ensure that he sees his dad - that he will resent me. I'm told that in the end, Gabriel will realize what's what - and that he'll see that I love him, and that I'm the one that's provided him with love, and stability and that I've done everything I could to protect him. I believe these words to a point, but at the same time - doesn't take away the pains in my heart knowing that my son is caught in the middle of this no matter what I do to prevent that. I've done what I can to keep him out of the middle, to not use him as a messenger; to not involve him in the disputes between his father and I. I wont ever bad talk his father in front of him. He's got to figure it all out on his own - and I wont be the one to help him either. If he can have a relationship with his father in the end of all of this, I sure as Hell wont be the one to take that away from him. I love Gabriel more than I dislike his father. And quite frankly, that's the way it should be. Too often children are taken down with the wreckage of a failed marriage/relationship - and I refuse to do that to him.
Those who know me know I love my son more than anything else in this world, and that there's nothing I wouldn't do for him. But I also have to stand up for myself, otherwise, I'm teaching him all the wrong things and in doing so, I'm allowing this poor behaviour to continue. I ask that you all think of us and keep Gabriel and I in your prayers.
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