Reflections...
Don't think for a moment that I'm not fully aware of how whiny and bitchy my blogs can be. It seems it's all I ever do any more. However, I do have some really wonderful things in my life, all of which I'm so utterly grateful for, and completely indebted to God for.
For starters, how about that wonderful son of mine?? I swear, there are days where I look at him and think "He's mine, and I love him!". There are days where I look at him and think "If he doesn't stop doing that, and start listening, I'm going to stick a sign on him saying 'free to a good home; comes with all toys, clothes and is potty trained' ". There are also days where I look at him, and I can't help but to think "HE'S MINE!!! I AM SO UTTERLY, COMPLETELY AND HELPLESSLY IN LOVE WITH THIS KID!!! AND, I JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF HIM"... and usually that one is followed with me grabbing his little body and hugging him and kissing him way past the point of him doing the cat-caught-by-Pepè le pew act of pushing me away. He is the most incredible kid (and I know I'm biased - I am his mom, of course) and I am the most lucky mom in the entire world to have this kid with me, in my life. I wasn't supposed to have children according to my doctor. Was told I shouldn't have children cause of my diabetes, and the strain on my kidneys (no, not quite as bad as Julia Roberts in 'Steel Magnolias'). And my husband, after we got married decided he didn't want kids. It seemed as though I just wasn't going to have a baby. Then one night, we found out that I was pregnant, and my little miracle, Gabriel, came to be. God, I love that kid. 'Thank you for him. Thank you so very much - there isn't anything I can ever do to show you my gratitude for his existence.' Have I mentioned how awesome my son is???
Then there are my grandparents. My grandmother and I, haven't always seen eye-to-eye. In fact there was a point, I didn't really like her much. She's a very controlling woman, who's point of view is/was "Do it the way I tell you, when I tell you, or ..." well, you don't want me to finish that sentence. But when I got older, I understood why she's like that. She had a HORRIBLE childhood. She might not always show it in the conventional, non-neurotic way - but she loves her family to a fault. She goes way over board to protect and to ensure that you do what you need to do, be prepared and educated, able to contribute to society and to not have 'crutches' or 'excuses' why you can't do something. It's her opinion, that there is no reason not to do, and certainly no reason (short of physical limitations and/or death) to not at least try. She is a very particular woman (I can't even make comments, as I'm OCD - pot calling the kettle black, etc...) Back to my point though - she wants to make sure her 'kin are cared for, and doesn't want them to have the life she had. She wants us to have a better life, with ample opportunities. She loves us. She's not always able to show it, or say it - but when she does, it means the entire world to me. I know for a fact that she feels guilty for how I grew up with my mother (another long story). It pains me that she feels that way, but it's not something I can take from her, no matter what I say.
My grandfather has been dead for a couple of years now. I miss him more than anything I could ever imagine. He was, and still is quite frankly, the greatest man who ever existed. God, how I miss him. He was always there for me, in my corner. Being the voice of reason when my grandma and I would clash. He was the one who said on countless occasions "Irene, she's just a girl. Let it be." I remember him telling me I was his favorite (of course, I'm sure he told all of us that). I remember him telling me how proud he was of me, for what I'd accomplished. I remember how that felt - how insanely proud that made me, to know that he felt that way about me. I also remember the afternoons, when he'd be watching something like the Bugs Bunny cartoons (he LOVED Foghorn Leghorn), Benny Hill, or Red Skelton (Guzzler's Gin - another favorite). He'd be laughing SO hard, that he'd cry; I still remember him fixing the comb over he so lovingly tended to, slapping his knee, and just laughing at the 'stupid ass' on the TV set. I remember the smell of the barn on him. To others, you may cringe at this - but it was a smell I actually loved. It was how he smelled most of the time as he was a farmer, on top of everything else he did, day-to-day. I miss his big hands, so rough and dry - but they were working hands, his hands. But I also remember how the Alzheimer's took him away from us. It slowly erased the stories he had of his family coming to Canada from Germany, 3 generations before; took away the memories he had of his immediate family - causing him to forget that both his parents had died many years ago; causing him to no longer recognize his family - the people that adored him.
There were a few funny things about the Alzheimer's... for instance, before he got really bad, and while he still knew who my grandma was - he was affectionate with her in front of me. Coming up to her and hugging her, and giving her kisses. It was a side of them I'd never seen before. He'd 'regressed' to his younger days, I'm guessing, and although he saw an older version of his young love before him - he still saw the woman that he loved for many, many years. I feel so blessed to have seen that.
He no longer held his tongue. The man I remember was VERY diplomatic. Never heard a foul word from his mouth. That being said, I'm sure he reserved that for the men that worked with him, and kept that part of him from his grandchildren. There were times that we feared he'd say the wrong things at the worst time - but from what I recall, I don't think he ever said anything too bad to the 'right' people.
He also ate a peanut butter sandwich. For those who didn't know him - let me tell you this... when I was growing up, he shared with me stories of him growing up with his two brothers, and his parents. They were poor, and going thru The Great Depression. They practically lived on vats of peanut butter - somewhat healthy, and was what they could afford. He HATED that stuff, and swore he'd rather die than to eat that EVER again!! I was visiting him one day when he was in the nursing home. The PSW brought him a sandwich for a snack, and he started eating it. I couldn't help but notice the smell, and asked her what it was made of. She informed me that it was a PB & J sandwich. I almost fell off my chair as my grandpa exclaimed "Mmm...this is good!". I couldn't believe it. It was both funny and heartbreaking in a way as it was yet another sign that we were loosing him further. I still remember the day, where he'd had one of the last of his lucid moments, when I told him how much I missed him - he responded with "I miss me too". I leaned over, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him - to which I got an "I love you too, Ruthie"...and then he was 'gone'. He didn't know who I was after that.
I still remember the night he died. It was him, my grandma and me. It was an awful death. Not a peaceful one. As much as I hate the memory of how he died - I'm so very grateful to God, that I got to be there with him and my grandma during that time. It's a time I'll never give up, or regret. I got to be with my grandma as she watched her husband pass on to life in Heaven - to a life without that miserable disease that erased the man we all loved so much, and I got to say good bye to the most incredible man I will ever know. As sad as it all sounds - I wouldn't replace it. No matter how sad I am, thinking about life without my grampa - I have the memories, and I had the great fortune to have been someone he loved, and was proud of. I know he watches over me, and I really hope he's still proud of me. 'I hope you know how much I truly miss you, Grampa.'
Both my grandma and my grandpa were like parents to me; they cared for me and loved me. No matter how much we (grandma and I) drove each other nuts, I love that woman so much. I can't imagine my life without her...and to be honest, I dread the day she's gone. Cause then I'll kind of be on my own. Those two were the biggest influences in my life, and they were the two constants in my life - never changing. I am a lucky girl to have had people like Bob and Irene as parents/grandparents...even though, I didn't always see it that way when I was a teen.
I'm also very grateful for my life. I have an education, good work ethic and a lot of kick ass determination. I've worked hard to be where I am. I own my house, my car. I'm able to provide for my son and I. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm capable and a provider all the same. I have a wonderful man in my life right now, who I love. He's wonderful to me, to my son (my son loves him too). An awesome dad to his incredible little girl, Destiny (who I love and adore). I don't know what the future holds for me - no freakin' clue. What I can tell you tho, no matter what comes my way, I've got a lot to be grateful for; memories I wont give up without one Hell of a fight and some very important people in my corner rooting for me both here on earth, and I'm sure up in Heaven, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment