Pain in the Ass #7 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

This year certainly has been one of those years.  But I know that I'm not alone.  And if I go back a few years ago, I felt like it was a bad thing to be a part of my family for at least 2-3 years straight.  One thing after another - and most of it was death related.  I got to thinking about everything that happened back then this morning as I was in the shower.  Not entirely sure why to be honest, but it just popped in my brain.

Rewind...

Jan/07 - I broke my foot (and was subsequently off work for 3 mo's); and my Aunt Connie died just days after that.
May/07 - Kicked my husband out (Just as I was starting back to work)
Sept/07 - My mom died at the age of 53, and I officially moved on from my failed marriage
Jan/08 - Sold the matrimonial home and bought my own home for Gabriel and I
Sept/08 -  My Aunt Charlene died
Jan/09 - My Grandpa Brohm died

It's so weird when I look back... I have to wonder, how in the Hell did I keep all my hair and not go nuts.  I mean, when you factor in all the emotional heartache from a death in the family, let alone four deaths, and then a failed marriage, and the struggle to keep me together for my son - Good God!! It's truly insane.  Then I think about that saying "God gives you only what you can handle".  I think He thinks too highly of me, personally.  However, it was also during this time, that I met my best friend.  So, I guess in some ways it balanced out.

Fast forward to now, tho.  Off work for over 6 mo's due to a back injury; having to get back on my feet both literally and financially.  Really, is this so bad??  I think not.  I seem to go in cycles - with all the crap that keeps happening.  It seems to be about every 3-4 years.  However, this time around, I have a wonderful man, Bola - to help me shoulder my stress and anxiety. 

It's also one of those strange years for me, more or less in relation to my mom.  I've never really missed her - not since I was a little girl.  This past birthday, my 33rd, I REALLY missed her.  Couldn't tell you why, either.  I'd gotten a note on FB from a friend of hers, who is also a cousin once or twice removed.  She was wishing me a happy birthday, and telling me how she remembers my mom bringing me home, and how she was one of the first to see me.

One of the first pics of me and my mom. ~1977

My mom and I had a very tumultuous relationship.  I don't want to go into the nitty gritty, but it was an abusive relationship, with neglect and a lot of misplaced parenting.  I grew up fast, and I had to be the 'parent' to my brother a lot of the time, and quite frankly to my mother as well.  On too many occasions I had to be her voice of reason, the responsible one.  She wanted to be my friend, but I wanted a mother.  Someone who would guide me and direct me as a parent should.  This is one of the many reasons I'm grateful for my grandparents, Bob and Irene - they were amazing role models, and a source of fear for me.  I knew if I did something really stupid - I was dead. End of story.

Mom was a flashy woman, who had an eye for glam.  Her nails were always done, always wearing her trademark 'door knocker' earrings (lol) and she was always done up with make up.  She knew how to put herself together.  She had such incredible talent - an amazing artist.  She met people like Andy Donato, Ben Wicks, Lynn Johnston - was even offered a job with Walt Disney at some point.  Her taste in music was impeccable.  I have to admit, that is one thing I'm truly grateful for - the music.  She'd be shaking the house with Led Zeppelin, CCR, Pink Floyd, The Doobie Brothers... and countless others.  Other times, she'd be listening to the sometimes softer, but equally incredible Elton John, Billy Joel or Stevie Wonder.  God - I love that music, and all cause of her.

As I said, I grew up fast.  Especially after my parents split.  The way I had to grow up was the foundation for the parent I am today.  So much of what I saw and experienced was far from appropriate - but, again - it's made me who I am today, good or bad.  I know as adults we look back, and can relate to the children we were, and how we don't want to repeat our parents 'mistakes'.  I guess so long as we learn and grow from it, that's what's important - and not to use it as a crutch or an excuse for what we've turned into.

It's because of the relationship that I had with my mother when she was alive that I don't know how to deal with my feelings towards her now.  I've said this before, and I'll say it again (countless times I'm sure) I'm eternally grateful for the day I spent with her, the day she died.  I broke some serious laws that day, trying to get from Barrie to Bobcaygeon when the nursing home called me saying that my mom wasn't doing well, and that it was best I get there ASAP.  Those who know me, know I have a lead foot.  Well, it came in handy that day.  I already had the story set in my head for when the cops would pull me over (and surprisingly enough, they didn't).  I think I got to Bobcaygeon in less than 2 hours from the time I got the call, called work, picked up my son and packed a bag for us.

Days before, I had to make the choice as to whether or not to continue with the dialysis.  I had talked to her before that, asking her what she wanted.  She had told me that so long as she was able to make the decision she wanted to continue.  But should the time come when it wasn't beneficial for her to continue, and/or should she be unable to make that call - it was up to me.  I told her that when it gets to that point, I was going to ask them to stop.  She agreed with me.  When I arrived that day, she was unresponsive.  It was what I had expected, but all the same - it was so real.  It was happening and there was nothing I could do at this point.  My grandmother was there, and so was my brother, Chris and my son.  We were with her, together, for a couple of hours, and then they all left to go back to my grandmothers.  I stayed with my mom.  I had my mp3 player with me, and played her favorite music for her.  I took the opportunity to talk to her.  I told her that it no longer mattered what happened in the past and that I forgave her for all that had happened.  I also asked for her forgiveness.  I had been so angry with her for so many years - I wanted her to forgive me for that anger.  I know my anger was warranted, but at the point we were both at during that last day together - it really didn't matter.  I really don't know if she forgave me, but I hope that she heard what I had to say, and I hope that she passed on knowing that it was all in the past, and that I loved her.

That very night, after I had left - she died.  I really didn't expect the emotions that hit me.  They still hit me from time-to-time.  But I'm so grateful for them.  It's because I had that one last chance with her that I can feel these emotions.  I'm no longer angry with her, or bitter over how I grew up.  I do wish that we could have had this breakthrough before she died - but it happened nonetheless.

I planned the memorial service, and dealt with the funeral home. My family helped with the 'social' part of it.  The church wasn't too keen to allow me to play Led Zeppelin's 'Stairway to Heaven' as people left the service in honour of my mother.  To be honest, it really annoyed me.  BUT, when we buried her with my Aunt Connie (mom was cremated) I had Led Zeppelin playing in the cemetery for her.  It was the least I could do.  I also picked out a marker for both my aunt and my mother - I'm realizing now, I need to get up to Norland to get a picture of it!  

It's when I'm listening to music she loved, Spring days - when everything is in bloom - or on Autumn days when the leaves are at their most beautiful and the smell of Fall is upon us... Christmas - with all the decorations and the music... she is in my thoughts and it's during those times I really miss her.  I know in some ways, I'm a lot like her.  I draw - been told I'm talented, but I'm no-where near the talent she was; I have the same insane love for music that she did.  I'll never be the same Christmas looney she was, but I do like to put the tree up ASAP, and have the music going (as soon as Halloween is over) - I get that from her.  I'm sad that she wont get to know my incredible son - and to see the little nut that he's becoming. Maybe she's watching us from up in Heaven, with my grampa and my aunt - keeping an eye on all of us.

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but in our case we're nuts!

L'il Suzie - one of my faves!!