Pain in the Ass #12 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

"If I could save time in a bottle...If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true. I'd save everyday like a treasure and then, again,  I'd spend them with you..."

I don't know what's wrong with me as of late (other than the obvious).  I've been very emotional and missing key people in my life.  Father's Day is quickly approaching and I find myself missing my Grampa a lot.  More than usual.  It's very apparent to me that certain people will always hold a special place in our lives, and he certainly is no exception.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him - some might call that obsessive - but quite frankly, I don't care what those people think in the first place.  He's just THAT important to me, and that will never change.

I've also found myself looking at my (ever) growing son.  I miss the little version of him.  I have so many regrets from when he was little.  His dad and I ended our marriage about 4.5 years ago and I've spent a lot of that time trying to make a life for Gabriel and I.  I feel gypped honestly.  I'm not entirely sure if that's a reasonable feeling/thought or if I'm just being over sensitive.  But to be honest, I do resent that I spent as much time as I did working, stressed and frustrated - and in doing so, I feel like he too, was robbed of something.  I'm sure most working parents feel this way, as do a lot of single parents.  It just seems that he grew up right in front of me, and I struggle to remember those chubby little hands and fingers, that little baby belly that stuck out - his cute little feet and that sweet little voice.  He's bigger now - arms and legs are longer, and less chubby.  The tummy that was round and soft, is now flat and muscle.  The voice is still 'sweet' but it too is changing, and will continue to change as he grows up - as will the rest of his body.  *sigh*

Gabriel, 2005

Maybe you're thinking that I'm putting too much thought into it, maybe I am.  But mostly, I'm assuming this is a normal way to feel.  My question is, what do I do about it??  Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for that time lost and other times, I just wonder if this may be God's way of smacking me upside the head to tell me that I need to appreciate the time now.  He is growing up so fast; becoming quite the guy.  It wont be long until he's starting high school and then after that it will be college.  I realize I can't shellac him - can't keep him little forever.  Lord knows I have a lot of pictures of him as he's grown up.  I just can't shake the feeling that I need to hold on before it all changes.

I guess for now, (until I learn how to turn back the hands of time or make days last forever) I'll learn to cherish what I do have with my wonderful guy, and take it one day at a time...I've learned that there just doesn't seem to be enough time to do what we want, and in regards to my son - there's never (going to be) enough time. Period. I don't want any more regrets.  I don't want to waste my time (or his) wishing for the ability to save time in a bottle...