This little light of mine...

I warn anyone who reads this - I'm annoyed right now. And I'm using this as my outlet. This may offend those whose views differ from mine, and I want to say right now - it is not my intention to offend. But this is my blog - and therefore, be forewarned.

Today I read an article in the Nat'l Post about a football player who openly practices what he preaches, and isn't ashamed of the fact that he's Christian. I am truly saddened by it for different reasons.

First - as I said in previous comments on said article - I don't agree with Christianity, religion or ANYTHING being shoved down anyone's throat. My common practice is - you ask, I tell. It's that simple. I try to be an accepting, tolerant person for the simple fact I do believe in the "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".  I am a believer. I do believe that in order for you to grace the pearly gates, you do have to believe. I believe in the word of God - meaning, that I believe in what He promises me; and I believe that Jesus died for my sins.

I'm not up for the debate as to what kind of God would let bad things happen to people, especially children, for the simple reason - I don't know why those things happen. I don't understand it personally, and quite frankly, the horrid and sickening things that happen to children break my heart, as I can't imagine the pain and suffering caused by such monstrous, inhumane circumstances. I don't know why natural disasters, such as Katrina and the like happen. I simply do not know. But, with all that said, I still believe.  What difference does it make to anyone that I believe in God? Does not believing make any of this easier to handle? To accept? To understand? I can't imagine that it is easy no matter what side of the fence you are on.

I will say this much tho, there is a song called "What a Friend We Have in Jesus". It talks about how He is our friend, how we can go to Him in prayer and lay it all out on the line - turn to Him for comfort and understanding. Like a friend or even a parent, He isn't necessarily going to shelter us; He's not going to make life easy for us. That's just not how life is - nor is it meant to be. Life is about learning, acceptance, and appreciating what we do have. It's about being good to each other - it's about trying to look out for one another. Life is about being responsible and taking responsibility - and not passing blame.  Honestly, would any of us learn anything, if it was all taken care of for us? Would we really benefit from that? No, we wouldn't. And as parents, and as friends that's what we teach/share with others.

I do agree tho, that Tim could have maybe handled it with a little more tact. BUT, again - if he was touting any other religion/belief/lifestyle, without a question - others would say that the responses his "beliefs" have brought on - were infringing on his rights and freedoms. I read a comment about how the fact that he (as well as other athletes) will take time to kneel in prayer on the field - apparently, it leaves his motives unclear and in question. And this brings me to the second reason - why is it - that I can't say I believe without backlash?? Why is it, that I can't be open, and be grateful to God in public?? Why is it OK for everyone else to be open about what they practice or believe in - but because I'm a Christian, I can't and I'm expected to keep it behind closed doors? Why is it that I'm told that I'm a hypocrite and that I'm offensive when I say I'm a Christian just because there are those that take things too far i.e. the right wings. Is that not discrimination? Bigotry?


It just makes me sad. Plain and simple. Again - I do apologize if I have offended anyone. I don't expect others to apologize for what they believe/practice, and I simply refuse to apologize for saying that I do believe.  

I appreciate all of my friends no matter how close, for respecting me and not bashing me for what I believe. I hope that you all feel the same about me - I respect all of my friends, no matter how we differ. And should anyone have read this, I appreciate that you took the time to do so.

K, I'm done... XO

I've been feeling so low lately.  I think mostly because of circumstances that surround me.  Some days it's easier to focus on all the wonderful things in my life - however there are a lot of days when I can't see the sun for all the clouds.

My biggest 'issue' right now, is ME.  I'm not what I was pre-injury.  I don't think the same, and I certainly don't feel the same.  I hate being limited - can't even describe how much. BUT I have been pushing myself, and working hard at returning to where I was pre-injury weight wise (I've gained about 30lbs over this last year) and ability wise. I think it's the same for most of us - we don't like change. Especially when initially, it isn't for the better.

I saw a quote today that really puts 'me' into perspective - "No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it". It honestly brought tears to my eyes - cause really - that's what a lot of people have been telling me. My pain doc keeps telling me that I'm in a marathon when it comes to my pain control. He keeps telling me I have to be patient. Let's face it, I'm not the most patient person in the world, and I've been trying to accept that this crap with my back is most likely a lesson I HAVE to learn regarding patience. Before all this happened - I made it a point to NOT ask God for patience, due to that saying "Be careful what you ask God for... You just might get it".  I didn't want God to 'try' my patience in order to teach me/give me patience as I knew I wouldn't do so well in that 'course'.  Looks like He still got me anyways... Ha ha... Guess the joke is on me! ; )

But, really - it isn't a joke. It's a life lesson.  One that we all need to learn, and I'm no exception. When I look back at where I was a year ago - I have come so far.  I move better, have better ROM; I have an amazing PT who has been along side me most of this journey who encourages me, and a pain doc who gets it.  I still hurt every single day - but I need to figure out a way to work around that pain, and not let it get the best of me.  I need to some how tell it to F@CK OFF and learn how to live with it, and not let it get me.  It's a daily struggle. I wont lie - it's bloody hard. But, I'm a determined, ornery bitch and I'm going to get through this. I'm going to get where I want to be, where I NEED to be. I'm going to chose my path and not let it be decided for me.

As Nasim Hassan so adequately put it, "Don't chase happiness or wait for it to come to you. Create it. Bring more happiness to yourself and others by appreciating life and finding pleasure and joy in all things -- in your daily tasks, in nature, in animals, in people, in your work and everything you have."

So, from here forward I have many tasks ahead of me - I need to feel better emotionally, physically, and it's going to take A LOT of work.  I need to lose the weight I've gained, and I need to make me happy.  I'm the only one that can do this - and I'm the only one worth doing this for (aside from my son, of course).  And I'm somehow going to remind myself every single bloody day that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.

My pledge to ME, today, is that I'm going to work hard at this. But I'm making it a somewhat public pledge (my limited public) cause I hate to fail where others may be watching (even though this is about me, and for me) - it's about being accountable, and honest. I'm going to weigh myself today (Oh dear God...) I'm going to take a picture of myself (Seriously???) and I'm going to do this at my current slow pace, on my own and with the help of my amazing PT, Alex - as I don't wanna hurt more than I do, and am determined to go forward, not backwards... I'm going to keep track of my progress and I'm going to be honest about it too. I might be able to fool y'all, but I can't fool me. I need to be accountable and I need to do this - cause I'm going to work on making me happy!!  

 

 I wanna be like this elephant - happy and with obvious pleasure on my face.  Just not as rotund!!

In the works... Pt 4

OK.  So, as most women will say "I'm tired of being fat."  And I really mean it.  I've gained weight this last year, cause of my injury.  I'm still "broken" but I'm dammed and determined to figure out how to lose weight, even tho I can't work it off like I used to (i.e. P90X). 

I had success with it when I did it. By God it was HARD... but it worked.  I lost about 30 lbs and was getting toned and in shape. My cardio was improved, and I was working on round two of P90X when I got injured.

So, for someone who isn't able to "move" much or at least like I could - how do I work off this weight?? Gonna take work, that's for sure.  But I need to figure it out.  Any suggestions??

In the works...Pt 3

So tired of how things have been.  I've let things get away from me and out of control.  But lately - for the first time in a year - I'm able to see ahead again.  That for me, is wonderful.

I've always been the person that looks ahead.  I know what I want.  I just need to figure out how to get it - and actually do it.  Usually takes a lot of work and sweat - and a whole lotta effort - but I do it.  Or rather did it. 

Almost a year ago (will be a year on Friday) I hurt my back at work.  I'm a I was a visiting nurse, and I hurt myself at a client's house.  I've come to the reality that I can't go back to what I was doing, unless work will accommodate my limitations.  I'm sure that they will to a degree, but I wont be happy with that, and honestly, wont be fair to my co-workers.  At least that's my opinion. 

With effort (a ton of effort and patience and a lot of help from Bola), and A LOT of rehab - I've been able to do a little bit of gardening again.  And up until that small slice of Heaven - I'd been wanting to just run and hide.  Actually thought about selling my house, and just taking off to Oro. (It's still a thought, tho... Always wanted to live there - get back to the "country" so-to-speak.  But that's not happnin' currently and I'm good with that. For now.)  Having some gardening done, and making a little improvement on my teeny house - has allowed me some freedom, and a lifting of the fog.  It's helped me to appreciate what I have, and what I've worked hard for up until now.

I'm looking to the future - not just personally but professionally.  It's exciting for me, as I've been incapable of that for almost a year.  But Goddamn it - it sure as Hell is scary!! My future isn't clear at this point - and my "forecast" is cloudy, not at all clear like it used to be.  But it's a start, right??

Here's to the future... Here's to some new beginnings... And monetary donations are welcome to support my new impending hobby, drinking... As I'm sure I'm gonna take that up to deal with the stress of said new beginnings.  People like me, don't do well with change...sometimes...kinda sorta.  Have I mentioned I'm OCD.  And likely, mentally ill?? 

In the works...Pt 2

It's true that in life we're always learning.  My list of things to learn never gets shorter, but only gets longer.  Honestly, that isn't a bad thing.  I like to learn.  Normally, I pick up on things quickly, and with time I grow confident in my new ability/skill.  But when it comes to being a parent - OMG - I never EVER feel confident in anything that I do.  Ok, well maybe that's not entirely true.  I know I'm a good mom.  I know that I have a wonderful child. I also know that it does have a lot to do with how I take care of him, and the things I've taught him.  But knowing that, doesn't erase the second guessing that I'm always doing in relation to him.  "Was I too harsh tonight?", "Should I cut him some slack?", " Is he going to grow into a person I'm going to continue being proud of?", "Am I gonna screw him up beyond belief????", "Is he going to feel about me the way I feel about my mother and my father??". 

Those questions are always up there in my head, and each time we have an argument it seems to be at the worst time - before he goes to his dad's for the weekend, before he goes to school, things like that.  It's a constant fight to keep my sanity, and to stay ahead of him - keep my control of the situation.

I need to learn how to just breathe.  To pick my battles - I'm OCD (yes, I'm medicated) and for me to just 'breath, relax and pick my battles' is a battle in and of itself. Kinda funny when you think of it, no??

My kid is so amazing.  I know all parents say this - and maybe it's true... My kid is intelligent, creative, witty, and a little too charming for my liking.  He's got this mojo thing happnin' with the ladies and honestly, it worries the Hell out of me.  He's got a harem of sorts at school, and I find it incredible that these girls flock to him and hover.  I wish I could see what they see sometimes - I see one side of him.  But when he's around his friends, he's this whole other kid that I don't know.  And it makes me wonder about this charm and affect he has on people.  I'm kinda proud, but in awe too.  Where did this come from exactly?? His dad is a charmer too.  I wont lie.  Before my marriage went to Hell with his father, there were good things - and I did love him.  I can tell you this much - he didn't get any charm from me.  I'm not that charming.  I just ride on my good looks to get me by (did you keep a straight face reading that??? cause I certainly struggled to even type that).  He did get my weird sense of humour, my love of drawing and reading. He still doesn't totally get my music - but I'm working on him.  It's a chore, lemme tell you. The kid doesn't like Metallica, doesn't 'get' Led Zeppelin or Pink Floyd - BUT, he likes Queen.  He does enjoy Jazz, and the retro 80's music (that he refers to as the old stuff I listened to a long time ago when I was a kid...sooo many years ago *sigh*).  **Side note: Apparently 33 is really old.  When did it become OLD??

Clearly, with the kind of kid he is I'm doing something good, something right.  My ex's father even told me tonight that I'm doing a good job, and that I have a right to be proud of the kid G is.  And proud I am.  No matter how wonderful he is - he drives me insane.  He's The World's Most Rottenest-Awesomest Kid, and I love him more than life itself.  I hope that someday I can just sit back and relax - be proud, and just breathe...knowing that I did good with this runt.  Knowing I did something good, something right. 

....who am I kidding?? I know me well enough to know that I'm never going to relax.  But I have enough faith in me to know that I'm gonna give it my all to do the best I can.  That's all anyone can expect.  I also need to have faith in him.  Faith that he's going to take that which I've taught him (either by my example, nagging or literally shoving it down his throat gall-dammit!!) and do the things he bloody well better do or else I'm gonna beat him down needs to do.  I gotta learn how to have faith... cause learning to relax sure as Hell ain't gonna happen! 

*Question - Am I the only freak (and yes, I know I'm a special kind of freak - OH so very special) that feels like this?? It's OK to lie to me and tell me that I'm not alone... Really, it is... I'm also in the process of learning to take criticism well.  Did I mention that I like to learn??

In the works...

I swear, one of these blogs, I'll have something positive and upbeat - maybe even something funny to share with all of you crickets... Instead this is another emotional thing that I can't get out of my head.  My hope is that in putting this on paper (so-to-speak) it will give me some release. 

OK.. so it goes like this.  I'm frantically trying to call my Gramma, and each time I call her, I either get sent to voicemail, or I just can't find her - can't reach her.  I'm so desperate to find her, cause I've been told that she has died, or that she's been dead for a while - and I want to prove that wrong. OR in the other dream, she is dead - and I'm losing my grip cause she's gone.

My Gramma lives about two hours away from me, and since my injury I haven't been able to get up to her as often as I'd like for financial reasons and cause it hurts - simply put.  Each time I see her, I make sure I tell her at least a dozen times, that I love her.  Each time that I call her, I tell her I love her and miss her.  I know realistically, that one day will be the last.  Normally, the thing to do is see her as much as I can - and seize the moment.  But due to my current situation I can't go up there as much as I want to - and I HATE that she isn't here in the same city as me.  She's currently on a wait list for a room here in Barrie in one of our nursing homes - but it ain't happening soon enough.

I know I sound like a super-over-emotional cry baby, who's focused on the negative.  I know that death is a natural part of life.  I'm an RN.  I've seen many people die right in front of me, I've been to more funerals than I can count.  I'm a realist.  I know it happens.  I've already lost a lot of people in my short life, than I care to admit. 

But to lose this woman - I can't even verbalize.  She is truly the only constant I have left in my life since it started.  The only source of security I have - my only parent left.  It's scary to be honest.  And when I reflect on the dreams - I can feel the grief, the pain, the hurt - the fear and the incredible loss that will be felt when she does leave this earth.  The only good thing that will come out of her passing, is that she wont be in pain anymore, she will be walking around again - up in Heaven with my Grampa, and all the loved ones that went before her.  She will be happy and at peace. 

My Gramma and Grampa (LONG) before they knew what they were in for...

I'm being silly, irrational and selfish.  But I love this woman more than anything else...short of my son. 

" Oh, Dear God - grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.  Give me also the strength to not lose my mind and just chill day-to-day (when I can) or else I'm comin' up there to make things right!! "

Pain in the Ass #12 - well, actually L2-4 and the sacroiliac joint/tailbone...

"If I could save time in a bottle...If I could make days last forever, if words could make wishes come true. I'd save everyday like a treasure and then, again,  I'd spend them with you..."

I don't know what's wrong with me as of late (other than the obvious).  I've been very emotional and missing key people in my life.  Father's Day is quickly approaching and I find myself missing my Grampa a lot.  More than usual.  It's very apparent to me that certain people will always hold a special place in our lives, and he certainly is no exception.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of him - some might call that obsessive - but quite frankly, I don't care what those people think in the first place.  He's just THAT important to me, and that will never change.

I've also found myself looking at my (ever) growing son.  I miss the little version of him.  I have so many regrets from when he was little.  His dad and I ended our marriage about 4.5 years ago and I've spent a lot of that time trying to make a life for Gabriel and I.  I feel gypped honestly.  I'm not entirely sure if that's a reasonable feeling/thought or if I'm just being over sensitive.  But to be honest, I do resent that I spent as much time as I did working, stressed and frustrated - and in doing so, I feel like he too, was robbed of something.  I'm sure most working parents feel this way, as do a lot of single parents.  It just seems that he grew up right in front of me, and I struggle to remember those chubby little hands and fingers, that little baby belly that stuck out - his cute little feet and that sweet little voice.  He's bigger now - arms and legs are longer, and less chubby.  The tummy that was round and soft, is now flat and muscle.  The voice is still 'sweet' but it too is changing, and will continue to change as he grows up - as will the rest of his body.  *sigh*

Gabriel, 2005

Maybe you're thinking that I'm putting too much thought into it, maybe I am.  But mostly, I'm assuming this is a normal way to feel.  My question is, what do I do about it??  Sometimes I feel like I need to make up for that time lost and other times, I just wonder if this may be God's way of smacking me upside the head to tell me that I need to appreciate the time now.  He is growing up so fast; becoming quite the guy.  It wont be long until he's starting high school and then after that it will be college.  I realize I can't shellac him - can't keep him little forever.  Lord knows I have a lot of pictures of him as he's grown up.  I just can't shake the feeling that I need to hold on before it all changes.

I guess for now, (until I learn how to turn back the hands of time or make days last forever) I'll learn to cherish what I do have with my wonderful guy, and take it one day at a time...I've learned that there just doesn't seem to be enough time to do what we want, and in regards to my son - there's never (going to be) enough time. Period. I don't want any more regrets.  I don't want to waste my time (or his) wishing for the ability to save time in a bottle...